


Those Who Hunt Ninjas

by DBSommer



Category: Ranma 1/2
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:08:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBSommer/pseuds/DBSommer
Summary: Ranma and company must take on some ninja girls with the usually whacky results. Warning, this is a longer fic I didn't feel comfortable cutting into pieces, so feel free to stop and come back to it if its taking a bit long for you.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Those Who Hunt Ninjas

Prologue

Akane stretched her hands towards the ceiling as she finished putting on her dress. She paused a moment to examine herself in a mirror. Not the best she had ever looked, but not bad either. Satisfied with the results, she exited her bedroom and headed downstairs to see if Kasumi had finished making breakfast already. She was humming a little tune to herself, and had just reached the bottom step, when loud noises coming from the direction of the Saotomes’ bedroom caught her attention. Unable to tell what the source of the disturbance was, she braced herself for the worst and made a detour towards the room. Just as she turned the corner, she saw that both Nabiki and Kasumi were already standing next to the open doorway. Kasumi seemed concerned while Nabiki appeared apathetic about something that was going on inside the room. 

As Akane approached the doorway, she heard the sounds of Ranma complaining, “Knock it off, Pop! I don’t wanna get up.”

Genma’s retort of, “Foolish boy. Be a man about this,” was easily heard from Akane’s position next to the door. 

Poking her head around the corner, Akane looked into the room. Ranma, still dressed in boxers and a red tee-shirt, was clinging desperately to the floor. His blankets were wrapped around his midsection and his pillow clenched in his teeth. Genma had his son by the ankles and was apparently trying to force him to release the deathgrip he had secured with the flooring.

“What’s going on?” Akane asked.

The interruption made Genma pause in his efforts. “Ranma here says he doesn’t want to wake up and greet the day.” He returned his attention to his son. “The boy needs to get up and face the day’s challenges like a man.”

“No way!” Ranma insisted as the pillow dropped from his teeth. “I knew as soon as I woke up it was going to be one of ‘those’ days. A really bad one, and I don’t wanna have to deal with it. It’s Saturday. I want the day off.”

Akane sighed. It was up to her to resolve the situation. She entered the room and snatched Ranma’s ankles away Genma. “Quit being childish, Ranma. You can’t see the future and you can’t stay in bed all day. Now come on. Let’s go eat breakfast.”

Akane began pulling on Ranma’s legs, having much more success than Genma. Using brute strength alone, she forced Ranma to move, the boy leaving behind grooves in the flooring that were molded in the shape of his fingers as he desperately tried to stay where he was. It was to no avail as he found himself slowly dragged from the room.

“A cute fiancee wouldn’t make me do this,” Ranma protested as Nabiki moved her leg calmly away from his attempt to grasp it. 

“It’s a good thing I’m an uncute fiancee then. You’re getting up and going to breakfast,” Akane growled in agitation as dragged the reluctant Ranma to the breakfast table. 

Ranma looked at the people left behind in the hall. “Remember, no matter what happens today, it’s not my fault! I didn’t want to get up!” Those were his last words as he was dragged around the corner and out of sight.

“The boy’s just being lazy,” Genma said with more than a hint of doubt in his voice.

“Do you think we should prepare for the worst?” Kasumi asked. She wondered if she should make some extra food, since trouble frequently meant someone would be dropping by the house for a visit.

“I know I’ll be,” Nabiki said. “That’s why I’m going to be sleeping over at a friend’s house. I’ll be leaving as soon as I’m packed, which should be in about five minutes.”

Genma wondered if he should hide… err, sleep over at a friend’s house as well before remembering that was essentially what he was already doing. Well, there was always the possibility of getting some cold water and hiding out in the panda pens at the zoo for a couple of days. It was a sound plan, and they had all the bamboo one could eat. Sometimes the visiting children would even toss marshmallows at him. Not a bad deal, really.

As the trio considered their options, Ranma’s cries of, “No one’s sticking me with this one!” echoed throughout the house.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mindless Tripe Productions proudly presents:

Those Who Hunt Ninjas

(Not a fusion or crossover with Those Who Hunt Elves. Any similarities between the two names is purely coincidental)

(Really)

Any and all C+C appreciated. You can contact me at:  
tsommer@zoominternet.net

Standard Disclaimer:  
I disclaim I own any of the Ranma Characters.

All of my stuff is now stored at:  
fanfiction.net and mediaminer for naughtier stuff

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The stone walls of the corridors of the ancient keep were mottled green with a fungus that gave off a revolting aroma that made Mai’s nose cringe. The smell vaguely reminded her of rotting fish mixed with sulfur, or what the bathroom was like the day after Tai had eaten Mexican food and downed a keg of beer. The smell of Mai’s own burning flesh would have been preferable to putting up with either one’s noxious odors.

And thinking of burning flesh, she ducked as burning arrows shot out from murder holes in the walls that were cleverly concealed by the growth of fungus. That explained the run down state of this section of the keep; the better to catch one off-guard with.

Mai tucked and rolled too fast for the hidden archers to track her. As she came out of her somersaults, having made it well past the murder holes, she leaped up into the air. She was almost high enough to touch the ceiling of the passageway; a necessary thing when wanted to avoid the section of flooring that gave way to reveal a pit with a numerous set of deadly, sharpened wooden stakes lining the bottom. 

Mai yawned in mid-air.

As Mai landed deftly upon the other side, the teenage girl took an inventory of her uniform. The standard night black ninja outfit hadn’t even suffered a snag. That was for the best, since she unequivocally detested sewing repairs to any of her garments.

She continued to advance up the corridor, now running in a sprint. Upon turning the corner, she found herself confronted by a huge Bengal tiger. A large stream of saliva dripped from its jaws as it roared in hunger in her direction.

A tiger, how utterly original. Not. As she continued running, Mai reached into her outfit and came out with a huge piece of raw meat. She tossed it to the tiger, who caught it in mid-air and ravenously began to devour it. Mai gave the large feline a soft pat as she raced past.

The corridor seemed to be getting noticeably warmer. Mai was trying to figure out what that might forebode when three ninjas, all much larger than her, seemed to flow out of the very stones ahead of her. The ninjas were spaced evenly at ten feet apart from one other. The first had a large katana drawn, the second had a sickle with a long, weighted chain attached to the handle, and the third held a variety of throwing stars between the fingers of both his hands.

Without breaking stride, Mai ducked under a swing from the first man and lashed out with a palm thrust to his throat, downing him in one blow. The second had already begun spinning the weighted chain around and hurled it at her, intending to tangle up her legs. Instead, Mai snatched the chain and kept running forward, again without breaking stride. The second ninja drew back in shock at the display of coordination and agility. That proved to be his undoing as in a blur, Mai whirled the chain in her hand and released it, wrapping up the ninja’s legs in his own weapon. She ran past and jerked, causing the man to fall face forward. His jaw cracked loudly with the impact it made on the cold gray floor.

The third ninja released over a dozen throwing stars in Mai’s direction. Every one of them headed right on target: directly for the teenage girl. Effortlessly, she snatched each one of the weapons out of mid-air and made a pile of them in her hands. She then lightly tossed them in a heap next to the third ninja’s feet as she ran past. 

“No need to thank me,” Mai shouted as she looked over her shoulder towards the motionless man. “I know those things are expensive to replace.”

The sounds of a string of colorful curses about her ancestry and which barnyard animals were mixed in with it grew fainter as she continued running at top speed through the complex.

The corridor continued to grow warmer until Mai found herself sweating under her outfit. At last, she could see the corridor widen up ahead, a bright red glow emanating from that direction. She was almost to her goal. 

As Mai entered the huge room in the center of the keep, she noted that it was the size of a large cavern. Instead of a floor that she could walk across, she found herself standing at the edge of a precipice, with the corridor behind her the only way off the protrusion. Looking over the edge of the precipice to the bottom thirty feet below, she saw the entire chamber was covered in a pool of molten lava: the source of the increasing heat. A series of small, narrow rocks dotting the chamber ‘floor’ rose a foot or so above the surface of the lava. From each rock was a thirty foot bamboo pole sticking upward, one pole to a rock.

Across the room, at the far side directly opposite Mai, was another ledge with a ninja standing upon it. His arms were crossed as if in expectation of something. From where Mai stood, she could just make out a white line four feet in front of him and only two feet from the edge. Even with nearly a hundred feet between them, she could feel the smirk that lay underneath his face mask. She was going relish the opportunity to wipe it off him. Just so long as he remained exactly where he was.

“Oh, this is sooo cliché,” Mai wailed as she mentally plotted the course necessary to leap across the bamboo poles and to the far side. It took her ninja-like mind less than two seconds to choose the most direct course. She leaped, aiming for the nearest pole and mentally tallied the seconds until she would reach the far side and confront the final ninja, face-to-face.

As Mai reached the apex of her leap, right on target with the first bamboo stalk, a six inch spike of metal shot up from the top of the bamboo.

From across the chamber, the male ninja bellowed with a deep, sonorous laugh. “Ha, ha, ha, you’re finished now!”

In response, Mai twisted in mid-air, making her plunge face first towards the pole instead of feet first. Just as she was poised directly above the spike, her face no more than six inches away, she lashed out with her hands and grabbed onto the portion of the bamboo below the sharpened piece of metal. It took a great deal of muscle, but she managed to arrest her decent. By the time she had stopped her falling motion, her face was no more than three inches away from the point of the spike. 

Mai looked up and recalculated the distance to the next pole. Using arm muscle alone, she bent her elbows ever so slightly and pushed off, executing a high leap and repeating what she had done with the previous bamboo stalk. Ten such movements later, she had covered the distance to the ledge across the room, landing with feline grace on her feet and balling into a crouch a foot across the white line.

Slowly, Mai came out of her crouch and confronted the man before her. She could feel the flow of anger, directed at her, emanating from him; it was a palpable sensation. The man remained motionless as Mai placed her hand slowly into her outfit, her eyes never leaving the figure for a second. From within the confines of her ninja uniform, she pulled out a small item. She looked at it for only a moment, then her hand was a blur as she thrust the silver object directly at his face.

“Four minutes and twenty three seconds. That beats the best time for completing the course by more than thirty seconds. What do you have to say to that?”

“ARGHHH!” 

“Oh, that’s right. That was your record, Granduncle,” Mai said in all sincerity, then placed the stopwatch back in her outfit. She began laughing and giggling, just like a five year old that had been told she’d been given a lifetime supply of A.M. Phetamine’s ‘Hyper Concentrated Pure Sugar Sticks’. Bouncing up and down and clapping her hand, she began chanting, “I get to be a ninja. I get to be a ninja. I get—“

“You idiot!” the man shouted. “Don’t stop on the finish line!”

“What are you talking abOWW!” Mai shouted in pain as two other figures landed on her back, causing all three to end up in a tangle of twisted limbs. Little mews and feminine cries of pain began to emanate from all three of the figures.

For several moments, the ninja grandmaster, Takeo Yurisoka, considered kicking all three of his grandnieces into the lava. After all, would anyone really miss them? And it would do so much to lower the increasingly high amounts of stress he had been suffering from since the girls had become students under his tutelage. His physician had been telling him to do something about his high blood pressure, and that single act alone would cut it at least in half. 

But no, they were flesh of his flesh, blood of his blood. It would be wrong. Besides, their mother, his niece, Kanuka, was more than capable of carving him into briquettes with that rather sharp katana she had a tendency to carry around wherever she went. And for some odd reason, she was quite attached to the annoying little rugrats. No. He supposed deliberately killing his grandnieces in a non-ninja related activity was out of the question.

The three teenage girls detached themselves from the pile and saluted him as though he were a drill sergeant. Takeo trembled in rage. “You don’t salute! You bow, you idiots!”

All three girls bowed, their arms still raised to their brows the entire time. Not trying to kick them in the lava was becoming more difficult by the second.

Shuddering, Takeo turned around so that he was no longer facing the girls and took a moment to regain control of his emotions. He carefully considered each of his young students. Mai, Tai, and *shudder* Bobbie Joe (oh how he loathed his idiot niece for giving the girl that stupid gaijin name.) At least everyone just called her B.J., but even then, that led to some pretty vulgar jokes for which she would continually beat people up. They were triplets, but fraternal rather than identical. It was a nearly unheard of thing, but infinitely better than if they had been physical carbon copies of one another. 

And now, after several months of training, they had completed the final obstacle course they needed to graduate, or so they thought. But there were other plans in store for them. With a small smile forming on his face, he spun on his heel and turned back to the girls. He could just feel the concern over his lack of congratulations pour off them in waves.

“Yawn. That whole obstacle course was like something out of a low budget Indiana Jones flick.”

“Ewww. The heat from the lava made my mascara run.”

“I think I need more sequins on my outfit. I’m not glittery enough.”

“WOULD YOU IDIOTS AT LEAST PRETEND THAT THE OBSTACLE COURSE WAS TOUGH?! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!!!” Takeo shouted as his battle aura partially melted some of the stone he was standing on.

The Ninja grandmaster forced himself to choke back the rest of the verbal assault he wanted to unleash upon the girls. It wouldn’t do to lose control before them, like he usually did. As a method of controlling his anger, he chose to examine the girls closely. He had lacked the courage to see them off, hoping against hope his absence would somehow discourage them and help prevent them from completing the course, but it had been to no avail. All three stood triumphantly before him.

Takeo looked over the student that had crossed the finish line first. Of the trio, Mai, the de facto leader of the sisters (due to her being oldest), was at least normally dressed, electing to wear a standard full body ninja outfit colored in black. Her stance was proud and ready for fight or flight at a moment’s notice. Her outward countenance was that of a true ninja, even if her inward was not. There was only one tiny problem with Mai’s appearance that made her stand out, namely her breast size. She was so flat-chested that she was sometimes mistaken for a male ninja instead of a kunoichi, an understandable mistake even to Takeo’s own experienced eyes. Physically she was probably as attractive as her sisters, save for the fact it was in such as way that one could confuse her with being male. Bishonen; that was the term for it. She had very bishonen features, which caused certain… problems for the girl. 

Takeo’s skills as a teacher of twenty years made him force a compliment through gritted teeth. “Congratulations on beating the best time for the course.”

Mai shrugged. “I could have done it half-drunk and blindfolded. Want me to try?”

“No!” Takeo winced inwardly at the bold proclamation. Not only because it was so outrageous, but because she was probably correct and his pride would not allow him to take the risk of her beating his time under those conditions. Oh how he loathed his grandniece’s ability to trample a person’s feelings without even realizing it.

Rather than dealing further with Mai, he turned his attention to the girl next to her, the middle sister, and taller then her older sister by at least five centimeters, Tai. At first glance, one would never have known the two were related, Tai being virtually the exact physical opposite of Mai. Where Mai was flat-chested and subdued, Tai was voluptuous, with long legs and enormous breasts that she insisted on showing off as much and as often as she could. To that end she tended to wear very risqué clothing. Today she was wearing a bright pink outfit that consisted of only a couple of strips of cloth that reached up from the waist of her outfit, over her breasts (covering only about half of them at that) and attached to a collar she wore around her neck. Her back was completely bare, and she wore only a tiny skirt that barely made it to the bottom of her rear end. Virtually all of her clothing was the same way. That, combined with her tendency to use high leap kicks while wearing only lacy thong underwear, had resulted in her being able to string together a record of twenty five knockouts on Takeo’s male ninja students; an unsurpassed string of victories.

Trying to take his mind off her body, Takeo asked, “Where’s your mask?”

Tai appeared offended at the very nature of the question. “What? Cover up this beautiful face? I don’t think so.”

“A true ninja wears a mask,” Takeo insisted.

Tai smirked. “Even if I wore a mask, it wouldn’t make any difference. It’s not like guys would be looking at my face when they check me out.” Tai thrust her chest forward and jiggled to prove her point. Takeo was forced to remind himself once again that this girl was family, and young enough to be his granddaughter to boot. Still, a cold shower afterwards might not be a bad idea.

“Fine,” he grumbled, conceding her the little victory. 

With Tai’s assessment out of the way, Takeo turned to the last girl: B.J. He gave a sigh as looked the girl over. “And just what is that thing you’re wearing today supposed to be?”

B.J. modeled her outfit proudly. “This is the cutting edge of what every stylish ninja is wearing nowadays. My pea green and light purple mask was designed by Billabong, the white gloves are by Airheart, and my sequined yellow top is by Quicksilver. They might have cost me a good bit of money, but appearance is everything to a ninja, right?” The thousands of sequins caught the lighting in the room just right to allow B.J. to glow like a shining star. Just what every ninja needed to sneak around inconspicuously.

Takeo noted that at least the other two girls were also shuddering at what B.J.’s twisted little mind considered a fashionable style. Even after all these months, she still wore anything that was supposed to be fashionable among ninja clans, or at least what advertisers promoted as ‘what every young, hot teenage ninja should be wearing’. As with most advertisers, what they claimed was trendy and what really was were two different things. B.J.’s current outfit was proof of that.

“You show an amazing lack of judgment in what is suitable ninjawear.” Takeo said dryly.

“I could always change,” B.J. offered. From somewhere within the folds of her clothing she pulled out a black outfit. A whirl of the black cloth hid her entire form for a moment. When the whirl was finished, Takeo found standing before him what appeared to be a male ninja in his forties, a tuft of black hair peaking out from the top of the mask, broad in the shoulder, athletic in form, and holding himself with an air of command that could only be gained through years of teaching.

“How’s this?” the figure asked in a voice that Takeo could instantly identify: that of his own.

“Don’t do that! It’s disturbing!” Takeo shouted. The sight before him was unbelievable. Truly B.J. was the greatest mistress of disguise he had ever seen. If he hadn’t known any better, Takeo would have sworn it was in fact himself standing right across from him. She was able to mimic the tone and accent in his voice to a degree that astounded even her granduncle. Quite possibly the only thing outwardly odd about her was her choice of primary weapon which was currently strapped to her back. For some odd reason her particular choice of her favorite weapon was something that simply confounded Takeo’s sensibilities. Still, in spite of what one would assume from such a small girl, she was able to use it supremely well. It was just so… unseemly for a ninja to use such an inappropriate weapon.

B.J. switched back to her ‘proper’ uniform, putting her granduncle at ease. Looking over all three of them, Takeo had to admit they made quite a set. Months ago he had accepted his niece’s wish to train the girls in ninjitsu, the art the family had been immersed in since the founding of the school centuries ago. Takeo was regarded by many to be the best ninja of his and the previous generations, which he had proven time and again by succeeding in every task that was set before him, and then in all of the goals he set for himself. In time, growing bored with a lack of challenges and getting on in years, he had founded his ninja school and proceeded to teach ninjitsu to a wide variety of candidates from all over the globe. Not all of them were great, but all of them were at the least highly skilled ninjas. Each and every graduate he had been proud to call his own. So when his niece had approached him with the idea of training the girls in the art, Takeo had accepted without hesitation. 

It had proven to be the worst mistake of his life.

In less than four weeks, Takeo became firmly convinced that all three were probably the worst trio of potential ninjas he had ever seen. They drove him crazy with their combined antics. If they had not been blood relations, and had he not promised he would teach them to the best of his abilities, he would have expelled them a year ago. But he had persevered, growing increasingly frustrated with their behavior and desperately wanting to get rid of them, while at the same time fearful of how they would disgrace the Yurisoka clan (and Takeo personally) if they graduated and it was discovered they had trained under him. So he went about trying his best to break them of their spirits and get them to quit, or fail, on their own. It should have been simple, but it wasn’t.

There was one slight problem with his plan. In spite of their obvious, horrible character flaws, their actual skills were unsurpassed. Easily they were the best his school had ever produced. Combat, stealth, circumvention of traps, weapons training, in every technical field they excelled far beyond anyone’s expectations. They were better than he was at their age. Hell, they were almost as good as him now; the obstacle course they had just completed effortlessly was proof of that. The problem wasn’t in their inherent ability to do any job; it was in their inherent ability to mess up any job, in spite of their skills; common sense was still a skill none of them had mastered. 

And now, in spite of what the grandmaster had hoped and prayed for, they had all just completed their final course, improving on his best time, beating it easily. If they were allowed out in the world now, they would disgrace his name within a year. No, probably six months. It was enough to make Takeo weep.

But there was one last hope. Something special he had added just to their curriculum which, if they failed, would set them back at least a couple of months. And then maybe he could come up with something, some technique, that would get them to start using their heads. 

Or maybe they would die. Either way it meant he would come out a winner.

The girls, unaware of how far they had pushed their granduncle, looked up at him with only mild concern. Mai spoke first, a small smile breaking out across her face. “So what do we do now?”

Takeo grinned under his mask and cleared his throat. Here is where he dropped the bomb on them. “I know it’s common for a student, upon completing the final obstacle course, to graduate and become an official ninja with a diploma and everything, but because you’re such special students, I’ve decided to assign you a special final project.” At last he had them. He couldn’t wait to see the crestfallen look on their faces as he was able to shatter their dreams, even as they had shattered his.

“Gee, would it have anything to do with us going to the Nerima Museum of History to steal the Sacred Urn of CaoPatty?” Tai asked as she filed her nails.

Takeo’s eyebrow twitched so violently the movement could clearly be seen under his mask. “Haugh dad wu nough?” was all he could get out.

“How did we know?” B.J. translated. “Simple, we broke into your private chamber and ran through your notes. It was in the notebook in the bottom drawer, right under the paper targets that look suspiciously like the three of us. You know, the ones with all of the knife cuts in them. You tend to throw slightly to the left, by the way.”

“How did you get in?” Takeo got out intelligibly this time. Everything in his chamber, even his desk, was warded by a plethora of the most exotic, expensive, and difficult anti-ninja and magical traps he could find: all of them fatal. Even Takeo on the best day of his life couldn’t break into his study. 

“It was easy,” Mai shrugged. “There were just a few dozen simple anti-ninja and magical traps. Completely predictable. It took us about three minutes to get past all of them.”

“GAK!” Takeo swore he felt a brain embolism coming on.

“Well, I didn’t think it was all that simple,” Tai said. “There was one trap in particular that was nasty and very well concealed.” 

“There was?” Takeo gasped, feeling some shred of his dignity return.

“Yep. I chipped a nail on the edge of the desk. Very tricky, making the edge of your desk extra long so that people will chip their nails on it. I had to get a fake nail to take its place and everything. Very inconvenient.”

Takeo could barely keep from openly crying. He settled for sniffling slightly.

Mai continued. “Anyway, we already scouted the place out. We broke into where the blueprints to the museum were stored, stole and then copied them, and then broke back in to replace them so no one knew they were ever gone. We also stole the personnel logs and duty rosters and did the same thing. We know where all of the hundreds of alarms are, the exact placement and number of the guards, where the urn is located, and everything.”

Takeo’s shoulders slumped in defeat. They had managed to outwit him. Maybe it was time to kill himself. If those three could make him look like a novice, there was nothing left to live for. “It sounds like you have everything planned out. There shouldn’t be any problems.”

“I sure can’t see any,” B.J. chimed in happily. “We even made sure to send the challenge letter by express mail three days ago.”

Takeo’s head jerked slightly. “Challenge letter?”

“Yes. That way we left plenty of time for the opposition to know we’re coming.”

Takeo’s eyebrow began to twitch violently again. “You do understand that you’re ninjas. Masters of stealth, assassination, and thanks to the recession, thieves as well?”

All three of the girls looked at him, bewildered. Mai slowly said, “Uh, yeah.”

“Then why would you tell the museum that you were coming to steal their urn when the whole point of the exercise is to sneak in and grab it without alerting anyone?”

The girls thought about that. As one they said, “Oops.”

Takeo began bashing his head into the ground and didn’t stop until he was unconscious.

“So you see, we need martial artists to prevent the theft of the urn. Against ninjas, high-tech, sophisticated expensive alarms that have really flashy lights and go ‘awooga, awooga,’ just aren’t going to cut it,” Toshi Takayami explained to the two older men, boy, and two younger girls that were seated around the dining room table at the Tendou household.

“What about your security guards?” Genma asked.

“Their union contract specifically exempts them from having to fight ninjas.”

“I see,” Soun said, accepting some tea that was offered by Kasumi.

“Then you’ll help us?” Takayami asked.

Genma stood up boldly, shaking his fist in the air. “It’s the duty of a martial artist to protect other people’s property, as well as defending the weak and helpless. We’ll be honored to help you.”

“Don’t you mean you’ll be happy to volunteer your son to help them?” Ranma asked from his seat next to Akane. He had known from the instant the well-dressed owner of the Nerima Museum of History had come to the Tendou home, that it was going to be nothing but trouble. Sure enough, after the gentleman explained the situation and showed them the challenge letter that was signed, ‘Three Sexy Ninja Girls’, Ranma’s worst concerns became reality. 

A long sigh escaped Ranma’s lips. “Oh well, ninjas aren’t that bad. I can handle them, no problem. As long as they ain’t cursed to turn into giant flying bulls or something,” he quickly added.

“Count me in,” Akane stood up and quickly volunteered. 

“I guess you can come along,” Ranma reluctantly agreed. Ninjas did have a tendency to be a handful, as his fight against Konatsu had proven. But then again, Ranma could be a handful as well. Still, he was surprised his warning senses would have gone off so loudly when he woke up. Three ninjas, especially girls, wouldn’t be that much of a problem. It could have been worse. Much worse.

“Hey, Ranchan. I’ll tag along and help out.”

“I would consider it an honor to let me assist you as well. I think I could be of use against ninjas, given my training in such matters.”

“Where the beauteous Akane Tendou goes, the great Tatewaki Kunou shall ever be at her side.

“And where my beloved Ranma-sama goes, so to shall the Black Rose follow.”

“Shampoo help her airen.”

“Damn you, Saotome! How dare you lure Shampoo into danger. Now I’m going to have to go along too.”

Oh, yes. Now this was exactly the sort of thing that would have given him the morning jitters.

“Where did you all come from?” Takayami asked.

“Mind your own business!” Kunou snapped.

Ranma was smarter and knew there wasn’t any point in trying to figure how they all knew to come by at the worst possible moment. Sudden appearances by people he knew were about par for the course. This was an exceptionally large batch, surprisingly including the often underutilized Konatsu.

Looking at everyone watching him either expectantly or angrily, Ranma found himself sorely tempted to return to his bedroom and go back to sleep. But no, he had said he was going to help protect the valuables at the museum, and he would. No matter how much it hurt.

“Where’s Ryouga?” Akane asked.

“I’m sure he’ll turn up at some point. He always does,” Ranma said tiredly. It would be best to just leave now. The longer so many diverse personalities were left together, the more likely it was something wrong would occur and things would be hit with bonecrushing force. Things like a Ranma Saotome.

Night was just starting to fall by the time Ranma managed to get the squabbling group out of the Tendou home and on their way to the museum. Actually, leaving could have been a lot worse. He only had to deal with one Shampoo glomp, a Kodachi/Ukyou skirmish, two offers by Akane to fix something up for all of the guests, one bokken thrust from Kunou, and two threats from Mousse, the last one having accidentally been delivered to Kasumi, which had the effect of Soun going demon head on the near-blind male Amazon and Mousse behaving himself the rest of the time. Not bad at all. 

Okay, more like, not as bad as it could have been.

Ranma pulled away from the rest of the group, saving himself the hassle of any jealous squabbles or attempted signs of affection towards him. Instead, the group was left to its own little mix of inane banter. Ranma had just turned the corner when the water pail lady nailed him with some water. Unfazed, Ranma-chan continued onward as the others turned the corner and followed behind once again, Kodachi protesting about the evil female Ranma having replaced the man version, and Kunou doing the reverse. Arguments about curses began to erupt from the group; just what Ranma-chan had come to expect.

The redhead mumbled, “I feel like Snow White leading the Seven Dwarves.”

A voice from behind chimed, “Hi ho.”

Ranma-chan stiffened.

Another voice, deeper in pitch, joined in from behind as well, “Hiiii Hooo.”

Oh no.

Now in chorus, it began. “Hi ho. Hi ho. It’s off to work—“

“STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!” Ranma-chan shouted as she turned around and shook her fist at everyone, trying desperately to get their attention. “Is this a fic done by Eric Hallstrom?”

The group looked at each other. Once at a consensus, Akane spoke for the group, “No.”

“Right. That means there will be no musical numbers. None whatsoever. I don’t even want to see the title of a song in this. You got that?!”

“What about dancing, Ranma-sama?”

“No dancing either. If I see even a hint of dancing, I’m out of here. I’m not joking. We’ll see how hot you guys do without me, then.”

“You no fun, airen.”

Seeing everyone looking depressed at the ultimatums, Ranma-chan took a deep breath, and said, “Look, if we’re going to confront a bunch of ninjas, we ought to get an idea of what they might try to pull. Since we got our own genuine ninja along, I think we should have Konatsu give us a few pointers in fighting them.” Ranma indicated Konatsu should step forward. 

Konatsu seemed taken aback. Almost no one ever used him in a fic, especially one that didn’t focus on Ukyou. And he was at least momentarily the center of attention. It was all a bit overwhelming.

Composing himself, he began to instruct his companions. “Now then. The first thing you must all learn is that a ninja, all ninjas but especially kunoichi, are very tricky. Much, much trickier than the usual martial artist opponent you might fight. For example, Ranma, would you please step forward?”

Ranma-chan did as she was asked.

Konatsu again took up his instructional stance. “As I was saying, ninjas can be…” Konatsu trailed off as he suddenly gave a wide-eyed stare above Ranma-chan’s head and shouted, “Look out! It’s a falling barrel of Nanniichuan!”

“What?! Where? Where?” Ranma-chan’s eyes scanned the skies overhead. A moment later, a fist connected with her mid-section, momentarily knocking the wind out of her. After taking a second to regain her breath, she leveled an angry stare at her attacker: Konatsu. “What did you do that for?!”

“That was a ninja trick. And a basic one at that,” Konatsu said, as though talking to a four year old child with a lobotomy. “You have to be very careful. As I said, ninjas are tricky. They might try…” Konatsu trailed off as he suddenly stared above Ranma-chan’s head and shouted, “Look out! It’s a falling Dojo Destroyer!”

“Yeah, right,” Ranma-chan smirked. “Like I’m going to fall for that one again.”

Konatsu crossed his arms and smiled satisfactorily. “I see that you have indeed learned—“

A falling Dojo Destroyer landed directly on Ranma-chan’s head.

“—absolutely nothing,” Konatsu finished. “You see, I knew you would have thought you learned your lesson after falling for that trick before. Therefore I knew you wouldn’t bother to look up when there really was a Dojo Destroyer falling right for you.”

“Wow. I never knew ninjas could be so tricky,” Ukyou whispered to Akane, who nodded her head in agreement.

The large Dojo Destroyer picked himself up off Ranma-chan’s partially buried form. He brushed some of the dust off his white gi, then looked at the results of his handiwork.

With a grunt of exertion the redhead pried herself out of the ground and stared evilly at the large man. “What the hell were you doing falling out of the sky and landing on me?!”

“I couldn’t very well fall up, now could I?” the Dojo Destroyer retorted. 

“Uh, well,” Ranma-chan said hesitantly. 

The Dojo Destroyer continued. “I mean, there I’d be, breaking the very laws of gravity. And then there’s the whole problem with falling upwards and ending up in the upper atmosphere. There’s no oxygen to breathe up there, you know?”

Ranma-chan tried coming up with something to say. “Well, you did land pretty hard on me.”

The Dojo Destroyer became indignant. “Hard on you? How do you think I felt? I was the one doing the falling, and your head’s none too soft. The next thing you know, you’d probably be expecting me to break the laws of inertia too, and all because you hurt your head. Screw the natural order. Ranma Saotome doesn’t want to take a tiny little bump, so it doesn’t matter how many laws of the universe you break, just so long as he can have his own way.”

“I didn’t say that!” Ranma-chan protested. 

The Dojo Destroyer shot her a disgusted look. “I hope you’re happy with yourself.” He turned and began walking away. Ranma-chan shouted apologies and said that he could fall out of the sky anytime and land on her, and she wouldn’t complain at all. But it was too late; the Dojo Destroyer didn’t look back and continued onward.

Ranma-chan looked back at her friends, who stared at her as though she had inflicted some great offense. “It’s not my fault, really!”

Konatsu gave a sad shake of his head. “I think I’ll use someone else. Someone who’s nicer.” he emphasized the last word, then moved over to Mousse. “Would you like to help me?”

“Of course, unlike some people, I wouldn’t complain about a Dojo Destroyer falling on my head.” Mousse shot Ranma-chan a dirty look, which earned one right back from the redhead.

“Take off your glasses,” Konatsu instructed.

“Sure.” Mousse did as he was told. Konatsu flicked his wrist, producing a can of mace from the sleeves of his ninja outfit, and proceeded to spray some in Mousse’s eyes. The effect was instantaneous as Mousse began running around screaming, “Ahhh! I’m blind! I’m blind!”

“Stupid Mousse,” Shampoo grumbled. “You is always blind when you no wear your glasses.”

“Oh, right,” Mousse said calmly as he stopped running around. 

A Dojo Destroyer fell on him.

“Let’s move under this building’s overhang,” Konatsu said, leading all but the flattened Mousse to it. “As you can see, ninjas can be very tricky. Let’s move onto another example. Now Shampoo—“

Shampoo immediately punched him in the jaw, flattening him with the blow.

The others stared at her in surprise. They began to protest the ninja’s treatment at her hands, when Konatsu started to rise, saying, “As you can see, Shampoo has learned the best defense in not falling for a ninja trick: never give them a chance to use one. Now let me—“

A spatula blow to the head cut off the rest of Konatsu’s statement. Ukyou smiled at him and said, “How was that?”

Konatsu started to pick himself up again. “Quite good, but you see, the lesson is—“

Akane kicked him in the gut, winding him and sending him back down. “Wow! This is easy.”

“Wait,” Konatsu gasped. “The lessons are over. You don’t need to hit—“

“My turn,” Kodachi shouted gleefully as she wrapped a length of her ribbon around Konatsu’s legs and whipped him into a nearby storefront, breaking the window with his body.

“I think I should get in some practice too,” Ranma-chan said as she cracked her knuckles and began punching the fallen ninja. She was quickly joined by Kunou and Mousse as the trio proceeded to get as much anti-ninja practice as they could before they arrived at the museum.

“Thanks a lot for helping us out, Konatsu. I don’t know what we’d have done without you. You’re an okay guy.” Ranma-chan slapped the ninja on the back. It was a little difficult, since Konatsu’s unconscious form was draped over Ukyou’s back.

Ranma-chan noticed Ukyou straining slightly under her burden. She had carried him almost the entire way to the museum. “You look a little tired there, Ucchan. Want some help?”

Ukyou’s eyes nearly glistened in joy; her Ranchan was offering to help her. Of all the people there, he had chosen her. “Sure, Ranchan.”

“Okay.” Ranma-chan gave her a smile, then turned away and shouted, “Hey, Akane. Ukyou’s feeling a little tired, so carry Konatsu for a while.”

“Since when did I become a beast of burden?” Akane shouted back.

“Oh, excuse me,” The redhead said in exaggerated tones. “I thought you wanted to be treated seriously as a martial artist, but if carrying just one scrawny little ninja is too much for you to handle—“

Akane was at Ukyou’s side in an instant, practically ripping Konatsu from her grasp. “I can carry him, no sweat.”

“That’s the spirit,” Ranma-chan slapped Akane on the back as the two walked side-by-side the rest of the way to the museum, leaving Ukyou to feel cheated somehow.

Akane didn’t have to carry the ninja for long as the group arrived at the museum minutes later. Konatsu recovered enough to stand on his own and joined the others in staring at their destination. 

Most of the eyes took in the structure for the first time in their lives, having been unaware of the presence of a museum in Nerima. The stone edifice of the building was slate gray, with a series of giant Roman style columns adorning the front of the building. Two huge doors made of solid gold dominated the entryway. Dark runes etched in a dry, flaky, red substance marred the surface of the doors. A multitude of gargoyles, all of them carved from pure obsidian, their mirrored surfaces shining with an unholy gleam, stared at the group from their perches along the ledges of the building. Their obscene appearance was an abomination to the senses, and gazing at the darkness within them, a veil of endless night that seemed to stretch into forever, gave the looker the impression that their soul would be devoured in the pits of Hell for an eternity. 

“Kawaii,” Kodachi moaned, clapping her hand together in girlish delight. “Brother dear, remind me to purchase one of these delightful statues once we are finished helping Ranma-sama tonight.”

Kunou sighed in the direction of his sister. Ranma-chan opened the door to the museum, not even bothering to use the demon head door knocker that lay among the carved bas-reliefs of men, women, and bizarre fusions of both man and animal engaged in various positions of carnal lust with one another.

“Unusual museum,” Ukyou commented as she crossed the threshold with the others. 

Inside, the museum appeared much more normal, with a lobby and ticket booth just on the other side of the doors. A white-gray marble lined the floor and the walls were painted in a soft eggshell color that was very soothing on the eyes. Several displays of various ancient wares and artwork lined the lobby. Beyond the booth, the others could see posted signs that indicated what was within the various rooms throughout the museum. There was no one else present.

“Let’s get inside.” Ranma-chan led the way. The group had passed just beyond the ticket booth when, in a cloud of smoke and brimstone, a repulsive, scaly, four-limbed monster with five eyes and three mouths in various positions upon its face, appeared hovering in mid-air several feet in front of the short redhead.

The monstrosity started to laugh, but ended up only coughing when it breathed in too much of the residual smoke from its teleport. After several seconds of clearing its lungs, it said in a surprisingly melodious voice, “Fools, at last you have fallen into my carefully laid trap.”

Everyone tensed up at the declaration. Ranma-chan said, “That’s one nasty-looking ninja.”

“I’m no ninja!” the creature bellowed. “I am something far more evil and much less tricky than any mere ninja. I am your doom, my foolish prey. For a long time have I waited, allowing my power to increase geometrically so that I could succeed. It doesn’t matter how many other of my brethren have fallen to your powers, my mistress, Queen Beryl, at last will succeed in killing all of yo—“

“Whoa, whoa! Time out here, Mister!” Ranma-chan said as she moved within three feet of the hovering monster. “Queen Beryl? You’re a Youma, aren’t you?”

The Youma stared at the redhead, dumbfounded for a moment. “Uh, well yes, I am.”

Ranma-chan nodded her head in understanding. “Right. Then you want Sailor Moose.”

“Sailor Moon,” Akane corrected.

“Whatever. I don’t really pay attention to that magical girl crap anyhow.” Ranma-chan waved dismissively towards her.

“You’re not the Sailor Senshi?” the Youma asked. 

“Ha!” Ranma-chan laughed. “I’d sooner be dead then caught in a fuku, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say that goes for all of us.”

“Actually, I think I’d look rather good in a fuku,” Konatsu mentioned. 

“Okay, everyone but the ninja cross dresser,” the redhead corrected. 

Looking over everyone, and discerning a significant lack of magical girls, the Youma realized the redhead was telling the truth. “Shit!” it cursed. “I thought for certain the Sailor Senshi were going to pop up here. Isn’t this the Juban Museum of History?”

“Nope. It’s the Nerima Museum of History,” Ranma-chan explained.

“Odd. I felt something drawing me to this location and assumed it was the right place,” the Youma grumbled, feeling hopelessly embarrassed at the faux pas. “I’m terribly sorry to have troubled you.”

“Don’t worry,” Ranma-chan said in a nonchalant tone. “Happens to everyone.”

The Youma shook all four of its hands with Ranma-chan in appreciation at the clarification, then began to fly off towards the doors. It had just passed Akane when it stopped and stared curiously at her for a second. “Say, did you know you look just like—“

“Don’t say it,” Akane said through gritted teeth.

“But she—“ The creature began.

“Do not say it,” Ranma-chan warned. “She hates it when people compare her to ‘that unnamable person’.”

“But she looks just like—“

“Do it and you’ll be sorry,” the redhead warned again.

“—Sailor Mercury,” the Youma finally got out.

“AHHH!” Akane shouted, grabbing the creature by its leg and whipping it into the ground as though it was a rag doll. The blow shattered the marble floor beneath it and cracked some of the Youma’s armor plates. Everyone else gave Akane a wide berth as she picked the creature up and began annihilating it.

“I do not look a thing like her!” *SMACK* “We have the same haircut and people automatically go,“ *THUD* “’Oh, they look just alike. They could be twins’.” *CRACK* “We have a lousy superficial resemblance to one another and everyone thinks I should—“ *THUMP* “—start running around, blowing bubbles at every Youma that comes by trying to hit me with a mistrust beam or some other lamo attack!” *SWAT* “I am sick and tired of it! I am a martial artist; a serious one!” * KABOOM* “And damn it, I am not going to take that sort of crap anymore!”

Five eyes gazed through a veil of pain at Akane. The twitching remains of the Youma managed to get out, “Sorry about… that. Now *Wheeze* that I… think about it… you don’t. *Gasp* Look anything… like… *Urk* her.” The creature's eyes drifted shut and a raspy rattle shook from all three of its mouths.

“Apology accepted,” Akane said to her fallen foe in its last moments of existence.

Just as Akane was about to give a prayer for its soul, the Youma’s eyes shot back open and it pointed at Ranma-chan, saying, “But that redhead would make the perfect Sailor Earth.”

The building shook with the force of a Perfect Moko Takabisha incinerating a Youma.

“I don’t look a thing like Sailor Mud,” Ranma-chan grumbled as she used some hot water to change her back to her proper form.

“Now what we do?” Shampoo asked.

Ranma considered that. “Since this is a big museum, and we’re going to have to deal with multiple opponents, I think we should split up into teams and cover more ground that way.”

“Is good plan,” Shampoo said. “Shampoo team up with Ranma. Everyone else can get into other teams.” She moved to glomp onto Ranma, but was cut off by a spatula thrust in her direction.

“Ranchan is going with me, not you, you Amazon hussy.”

A length of ribbon coiled itself around Ranma’s arm. “I’m afraid Ranma-sama wouldn’t want to associate with two such simple-minded peons. He shall conduct his search with me at his side.”

Akane pulled out a pair of scissors and cut the offending ribbon. “I was the first one to volunteer to help Ranma out, therefore I should be the one teamed up with him.”

A vocal argument began to ensue, panicking Ranma more by the second. Lately, even he could not help noticing how things in the fiancee wars had been heating up, but this was too much. No matter which one he went with, only doom, in the form of the other three, would follow. He had to escape them all, right now.

“Where am I?” a voice called out as a figure came from around the corner of the ancient weapons exhibit.

“Ryouga! How contrived… I mean, how convenient,” Ranma quickly corrected. Moving his head closer to the lost boy, he whispered, “We’ve got to get out of here. I’ll explain things as we go.”

“Why do I have to go with you?” Ryouga asked suspiciously. 

Ranma knew if he told Ryouga, the truth, the lost boy would accuse him of betraying Akane or something else equally stupid. He had to think fast. “Because if you don’t, the odds of me getting hit in the head and acting like a girl again are good, and guess which guy I’ll come onto.”

Ryouga shuddered. “I have to go away with Ranma right now!” he announced to everyone.

Ranma smiled at his own genius. He’d have to remember that one for future reference the next time he needed Ryouga to do something for him.

“Wait a minute,” Akane protested. “What are we supposed to do then?”

“I don’t care,” Ranma said. “Split up however you want, but it’s just going to be Ryouga and me as a team.”

Akane saw Kunou looking at her and felt uneasy. Shampoo saw Mousse looking at her and felt annoyed. Ukyou saw Konatsu looking at her, and whereas she didn’t mind it, didn’t want Ranma getting the wrong idea about her and the ninja. The three girls all looked at each other and nodded their heads in agreement. 

“Us girls are forming our own group,” Ukyou said. 

“Why must I lower myself by going with you?” Kodachi asked.

“Because Ranma obviously isn’t going to let you tag along, and there’s only one alternative to us,” Akane said.

Kodachi looked over at the group of boys: a blind twit, a cross-dressing ninja, and the worst of the lot, her brother.

“I’m flattered that you’re willing to accept me into your party.” Kodachi moved closer to the other girls.

Konatsu looked at his companions and shrugged. He would rather have joined Ukyou, but would never voice such a thing. He moved closer to Mousse and Kunou, then loudly announced to everyone, “Since we’re dealing with kunoichi, they might be dressed like me. Therefore I’m going to tie this gold ribbon around my arm so you’ll know it’s me instead of one of the enemy.”

“Good thinking,” Ranma agreed, then proceeded to head off with Ryouga. All of the girls gave irritated looks in his direction, then proceeded to make their way to the lower levels of the museum. Kunou declared himself leader of his expedition and proceeded on the only course left, that of the upper levels.

The hunt was finally on.

Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Kodachi conducted their search of the lower floors quickly and thoroughly, with little in the way of arguments erupting among them. Convinced there were no ninjas currently residing in the museum’s lower floors, the quartet went into the basement and conducted a search in the bowels of the building. 

For the first few minutes, the search turned up little, other than extra relics that couldn’t fit in the museum proper. As the girls were in the process of examining several of the storage rooms, they uncovered a large, moldy, rusted metal grating in the floor. The smell indicated it led directly to the sewers below. There were signs of the ancient covering having been moved recently.

“So they’re already in the building,” Ukyou said.

“Look again,” Kodachi warned. “Some of the mold has grown around the edge of the grating. It has been moved recently, true, but not for at least a couple of days.”

“That mean this is way they going to come in,” Shampoo said.

“Or one of the ways the kunoichi scouted out in advance to see what alarms might be here,” Ukyou said. 

“Maybe,” Akane admitted. “In any case, we’re going to have to go down there and search for ourselves. If we’re lucky and they’re going to use this way to get in, we can grab them before they get into the museum. That’ll show Ranma and the others us girls can hold our own.”

Shampoo recoiled in horror as Akane lifted the grating and proceeded to climb down. “What you doing?!” she asked, horrified.

Akane stared at her in confusion. “We’re going into the sewer so we can take care of those kunoichi before they can get up here.”

Shampoo shook her head furiously. “No way! Is you stupid?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Akane shot back.

In a low hiss, the Amazon said, “Shampoo know the truth. She hear the stories.”

“What stories?” Akane asked.

“That there packs of rabid albino alligators down there. Is deathtrap for sure.”

Akane, Ukyou, and Kodachi all stared at Shampoo for a moment, then broke out into uproarious laughter. Ukyou was the first to recover enough to speak. “Wah ha ha! I’d have never thought you were so gullible as to believe those stupid urban legends. Ha ha!”

“Is no legend. Is true,” Shampoo insisted.

Akane managed to maintain a more polite decorum, only snorting when she said, “Shampoo, it is just a myth. There are no albino alligators, let along rabid packs of them, roaming around in the sewers.”

“Is just a trap you three try to make on Shampoo so she no win Ranma’s heart.”

Kodachi gave a sniff of derision in Shampoo’s direction as she turned to the others. “It’s not the backwoods barbarian’s fault. She is from the middle of nowhere. She’s lucky to even understand the term, ‘urban’. If she lacks the courage to follow us, then so be it. It will be one less person to get in our way.” 

Kodachi forced her way past Akane and went down into the sewers. Ukyou followed. Akane gave one last look towards Shampoo. “Are you sure you aren’t going to come down?”

“No way! Is you funeral.”

Akane shrugged and went down into the dimly lit sewers. Perhaps it was just as well. There was a large amount of water running down the middle of the first tunnel they entered. Given Shampoo’s curse, she would have been a cat within minutes no matter what precautions she would have taken, although the Amazon was behaving like a total coward. At least now Akane had something to rub in Shampoo’s face the next time she tried pulling her superiority act on her.

“I do not see why I must travel with the likes of you. Why can I not accompany Akane Tendou?”

“Because she doesn’t like you, you moron.” Mousse gave a sigh. It was just his luck to end up stuck with the perverted ninja and that bokken wielding headcase. Why couldn’t he have traveled at his beloved Shampoo’s side, where he truly belonged? It just wasn’t fair that by the time he put his glasses back on, Shampoo had already disappeared and he had ended up stuck searching with those two helpless losers in love.

“Fool! The only reason she expresses reluctance to our inevitable pairing is due to the accursed Saotome’s sorcerous influence.”

“Ha!” Mousse shot back, already sick and tired of Kunou’s ranting. “You’re more blind than I am without my glasses. Even if that damn Ranma wasn’t around she would still reject you out of hand, just like she always did before she met him. She’s never given you the faintest hint that she has any interest in you whatsoever. Get a clue. It’s obvious that you’re wasting both her time and yours. The two of you will never be a couple. All you’re doing is annoying her, so you might as well leave her alone.”

“And exactly how does that differ from your relationship with Shampoo?” Konatsu asked.

Mousse turned on Konatsu and shouted into the ninja’s face. “Those relationship are nothing alike! Shampoo loves me and just has problems showing it! She’s been blinded by that lying Casanova, Saotome! I’m the only one that she truly loves! I’ll show you! By the end of the night, she shall declare her love for me! I swear it!”

Kunou left Mousse to laugh maniacally to himself. What a twisted individual, juxtaposing his own self-deluded relationship with the Amazon with the loving one he had with Akane. It was obvious to anyone that Mousse should have taken his own advice and left the purple-haired Amazon alone. He did nothing but annoy the girl after all. 

As Kunou wandered alone into an ancient Japan exhibit, he came across a large display, within a glass case, that dominated the center of the room. Inside was a full set of ancient samurai armor, complete with a katana by its side. The armor appeared to be in pristine condition, not showing the slightest sign of its age. It could have been worn by a warrior the day before; truly a remarkable exhibit.

Now those were the days, Kunou thought to himself as he admired the armor. Back then, he could have taken a real katana to that impudent Saotome and chased him off for good or thrown him in prison for being a sorcerer. And all of the people would have fallen at Kunou’s feet, worshipping him as befit a noble warrior of his birth. And Akane Tendou and the pig-tailed girl would have both been his wives or concubines. It didn’t really matter; he held them both in equal esteem.

[Don me and you shall attain those noble dreams you so richly deserve.]

Kunou looked around in confusion. That had been neither Konatsu nor Mousse’s voice. The words had sounded off somehow, as though they had been spoken to directly into his mind. And where had the voice come from? It was loud enough to have been from someone standing right next to him, but no one else was even in sight.

[It was I, the Armor of Kintaro Dhoom.]

Kunou gave a snort of derision. “Impossible. Armor does not speak.”

[Unless it’s magical.]

“Good point,” Kunou acceded. 

[As I was saying, put me on, and you shall be given the power of Kintaro Dhoom himself, he who slew the great and mighty Himura Kenshin.]

“It is my understanding that Himura Kenshin died of old age in his bed,” Kunou said.

[Ah,] the voice hesitated for a second. [All right, I didn’t kill him, but I maimed him pretty bad.]

“It was reputed that he was still a whole man when he died.”

[I did too maim him. It was in a bar that my owner, who was roaring drunk, challenged Kenshin. Needless to say, Kenshin didn’t take him seriously. When my owner attacked, the drunk slipped and fell to the floor. The unexpected move caught Kenshin off-guard, and when the katana slipped from my owner’s grasp, it cut off the scar-cheeked bugger’s little toe.]

“That’s not much of a maiming.”

[It’s better than anyone else managed on the red-haired little geek.]

“That is indeed, true,” Kunou acceded yet again. “Ordinarily, the great Tatewaki Kunou would not resort to increasing his already magnificent talents through magical means, but since it’s obvious Saotome employs sorcery at every turn, I shall lower myself this one time. What must I do?”

The armor glowed and the door to the case opened on its own accord. [Put me on, and I shall increase your power a hundredfold. You will become the mightiest warrior the world has ever known, able to destroy all of your foes with but a single blow from your mighty sword.]

“But you were unable to best Kenshin,” Kunou pointed out.

[Only because my owner was drop-dead drunk at the time, else we would have defeated him for certain. I know it had nothing to do with me possessing him and controlling his mind.]

Kunou looked at the armor suspiciously. “What was that about possessing him and controlling his mind?”

Hesitation creeped into the armor’s ‘voice’. [Ah, did I say I was possessing and controlling him? I meant the alcohol was possessing him and controlling him. Yes. That was what I meant. The alcohol did all of that, not me. Really.]

“Are you sure that was what you meant?”

[Hey, I’m magic armor. I’d never lie to you. I just want to serve an icon of virtue, a noble warrior like yourself. I’ve been waiting centuries for just the sort of champion like you to come along so I can take over… I mean so we can show everyone what a hero among heroes you are.]

Kunou continued staring suspiciously at the armor, then smiled. “Of course you would. What magic armor could resist a warrior of my wit and charms? Truly it was destiny for us to meet. Let it be known from this day forward that The Blue Thunder, Tatewaki Kunou, will never be bested by mortal man again.”

[Sucker.]

“What was that?”

[Ah, everyone else is going to suck next to us.]

“That didn’t sound like what you said.”

[That was what I meant. What did you think I was saying? That you’re a sucker for putting me on so I can possess you and then rule the world simply using your pathetic butt as a vessel for my evil power? It sounds like paranoia to me.]

“I guess that does sound silly,” Kunou admitted. “Very well. I shall put you on and together we shall conquer the accursed Saotome and free Akane Tendou and the pig-tailed girl from his evil clutches.” 

Kunou completed his posturing and took the magical item out of the exhibit case. Carefully he began donning the elaborate set of armor. “It seems a little tight,” he wheezed out.

[That would probably be because I was fitted for someone five centimeters shorter and sixty pounds lighter than you. But don’t worry, it’ll fit. You just have to squeeze.]

“Of course.” Kunou sucked in his breath and proceeded to force the armor onto his body. It seemed to take forever –he had to use his bokken numerous times to pry it into position, and the straps connecting the pieces were at the breaking point— but by the time he was finished, Kunou had managed to get the armor completely on.

Barely able to breathe and afraid to move for fear of snapping the straps, Kunou gasped out, “So when do I get this increase in power?”

[Right, now. MUHAHAHAHA!] the armor gave off the sinister laugh it had been saving for the last hundred plus years as it exerted its curse and proceeded to take over the mind of Tatewaki Kunou. What luck to have been brought to the museum by the other, whose own plans were now finished thanks to the armor. At last the armor had what it needed: a gullible twit to possess and its full magical power with which to rule the world. During its last possession, mankind had gotten lucky when the cursed armor was tricked into getting its vessel drunk and killed by Kenshin. Now there would be no such mistakes. The armor would do it right this time, taking things over first THEN getting drunk in celebration.

“And as a favor to this lowly vessel, I shall proceed to dispatch this Ranma Saotome person.” Possessed Kunou laughed at his own generosity.

“There you are.”

Possessed Kunou turned to see two beings enter the exhibit room, a man wearing some white robes and a female ninja. The female looked like a major babe too. Possessed Kunou wondered if this was one of the girls the vessel had wanted. The fool had demonstrated remarkably good taste if such was the case. 

Mousse frowned in irritation at the odd way Kunou seemed to be looking at him. And what was with the glowing gold aura that surrounded the self-proclaimed True Blunder? “Come on, you deluded fool. We have to keep searching for those ninjas.”

“Deluded fool?!” Possessed Kunou bellowed. “How dare you refer to me in such an insulting manner! I shall burn your body to ashes and consume your soul for all time!”

“You mean make me listen to you recite poetry? I don’t think so,” Mousse replied.

“That wasn’t what I meant!” Possessed Kunou raged as the golden glow doubled in intensity. Within seconds his most lethal move, The Death Blast, was charged up. All he had to do was touch the loud-mouthed braggart and both body and soul would be obliterated forever. It would be the first of many, many deaths that would soon follow. All who dared stand in Possessed Kunou’s way would suffer. Everyone.

Possessed Kunou tensed up, then leaped high into the air, drawing his hand back as he prepared to lash out once the robed one was close enough to touch.

Mousse remained where he was, watching impassively.

“Now you die!” Possessed Kunou screamed as he lashed viciously forward with his hand…

…only to have the movement cause all of the straps holding the armor in place to break simultaneously, causing every piece of it to go flying across the room. By the time Kunou touched Mousse, the glow surrounding his body had vanished.

Mousse looked down at the finger touching his breast. He grabbed Kunou’s hand, forcing it away. “I’m not a touchy-feelie person, okay?”

Kunou looked around in confusion. “Curious. For some odd reason, I have this insatiable desire to rule the world.”

“Is it just me, or is that armor over there crying?” Konatsu asked as he stared at the breastplate –that was indeed weeping- lying near one of the other exhibits.

“Pay it no mind,” Kunou said stoically. “If it could not remain upon the frame of Tatewaki Kunou, then obviously it was not destined for greatness.”

“Let’s get going,” Mousse said as the trio ignored the sobbing armor and set off to look for kunoichi again.

Light reflected off the tunnels as Ukyou held her flashlight before her, twin beams coming from behind her joining the third as the trio made their way through the ancient sewer system. It was nice of Kodachi to give her and Akane two other flashlights, though who knew how the gymnast managed to somehow keep them in that tight leotard of hers.

“You know, with all of our talk before about rabid albino alligators, I really expected to be jumped by a pack of them by now. I mean, that’s the sort of thing that usually happens,” Akane said.

“Now you’re being just plain silly,” Ukyou chided as the trio continued on their way. 

“If we haven’t found these ninja harridans by now, perhaps they aren’t in the sewers after all,” Kodachi offered from the rear of the pack.

“Maybe,” Ukyou admitted reluctantly. “It looks like the tunnel opens up in another twenty feet. Let’s take a look in there, and if there aren’t any ninjas, we’ll head back.”

The trio emerged into a large, fifty foot radius circular chamber that seemed to serve as some sort of hub, since a multitude of other tunnels led from that central point. Within the center of the chamber, on a large twenty foot section of concrete that was raised above the sludge on the floor, were a number of wooden crates stacked all about. Several of them having been cracked open and spilled some greenish substance on the concrete of the floor where it was slowly running down the concrete and into the sewer water.

Akane moved closer to one of the intact crates. There seemed to be some sort of inscription on the boxes. She avoided the spilled substance and rubbed off the slime that had accumulated on the surface of the crate, reading the letters underneath. 

“C.H.U.D.”

“I think I remember that acronym,” Kodachi said as she looked over Akane’s shoulder and read the letters. “There was some sort of scandal a while back. Evidently, some unscrupulous chemical plant disposed of their excess toxic waste in the sewers underneath Nerima in order to save money. C.H.U.D. was their name for the project. It stood for, Chemical Hazard: Urban Disposal.”

“It looks like they missed some,” Akane said. 

The pair heard the rattle of metal on metal behind them. Turning, they saw that Ukyou was shaking so badly that her throwing spatulas in her bandoleer were clanging together. “I remember that C.H.U.D stood for something else too. Apparently the toxic chemicals mutated some of the homeless people that lived in the sewers, turning them into a sort of Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, also named C.H.U.D, for short. The paper said all of them were caught, though.” That seemed to relax her slightly as she stopped shivering.

Kodachi cleared her throat. “Am I to understand that there are homeless people that live in the sewers?”

“Some do,” Akane said slowly.

“Forgive me, but due to my own status in life, I have had no contact with homeless people. Do they normally appear to be about six feet tall, weigh about three hundred pounds, have green scaly flesh, glowing eyes, and sharp teeth?”

“No.” Ukyou replied.

“I see. Then I guess it would be these C.H.U.D. things, as you so delightfully termed them, that have us completely surrounded.”

Akane and Ukyou’s eyes widened as they slowly, inexorably, turned around to see close to thirty C.H.U.D.s licking their lips and spilling drool on the floor.

As far as ten blocks away, three screams of “AHHHHH!” came out of every manhole cover located between the Nerima Museum of History and the downtown area of the district.

Two old men, that were walking down the street, looked down at the manhole cover nearest to them. One turned to the other and gave a sad shake of his head. “What’s the world coming to when young women can’t wander around sewers without having Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers terrorizing them?”

His friend could only nod his head in agreement at the statement. Things were definitely better in the old days.

Three kunoichi stood outside the Nerima Museum of History, staring at its stony edifice as clouds darkened the midnight sky above, obscuring the full moon that lay overhead and sheltering everything in a cloak of nearly impenetrable darkness. Even the street lights did little to push black the oppressive gloom, their soft amber glow suffocated by the encroaching night.

“Why aren’t we trying to enter this place through the sewers again?” Tai asked.

Mai sighed. “Let me spell it out for you. C…H…U…D.”

Tai cocked her head curiously. “Those guys that were chasing us were Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers?”

“Of course!” Mai shouted back. “Even a complete moron could tell they weren’t human. What did you think they were?”

Tai shrugged. “I thought they were just creeps trying to come onto me. A lot of the guys I date try to eat me alive, not that I can blame them. I can be quite the mouthful. Heh, heh.”

Mai and B.J. sighed. Their sister was unquestionably a tramp, and not a picky one either. Considering the fact she had gone out on at least one date every night of her training, it was a miracle she or any of the male ninja cadets had a chance at graduating. Hell, Tai probably HAD dated cannibals before.

“Have you two figured out how you’ll get in?” B.J. asked.

“I’m going to use Standard Ninja Move Five to get into the museum,” Mai said.

B.J. stared at her flatly. “Not looking like that, you’re not.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mai looked at her outfit. It was the standard black ninja gear she always wore.

“It’s…it’s just that it’s so drab,” B.J. complained. “You need to do something to offset that plain black.”

“Why?” 

“Because we might have to fight off security guards,” B.J. said. “And you’re my sister. I want you to make a good impression.”

“I’m not wearing any of that gaudy crap you always do.” Mai still wanted to recoil in horror at the pea-green and red ensemble that her sister was currently wearing. It looked like something Tai would toss up after drinking too much on one of her dates.

“Here then. It’s by Adidas.” B.J. pulled out a yellow ribbon and tied it to Mai’s arm. Looking her sister over once, the gaudily dressed ninja smiled in satisfaction. “Now that’s better.”

Mai looked at the ribbon and found herself smiling as well. It did look sort of nice with the placement and the way it contrasted with the rest of her outfit. “And how are you going in?” Mai asked B.J.

“In one of my ingenious disguises,” B.J. answered.

“It is going to be an appropriate one this time, isn’t it?” Tai asked.

“Of course,” B.J. sniffed. “When do I ever disguise myself inappropriately?”

“There was that time you infiltrated an animal rights rally dressed as a fur trapper.”

“Well, the disguise was perfect. I even clubbed several baby harp seals and carried their pelts with me to add authenticity.”

“And there was that time you infiltrated a Neo-Nazi rally dressed as a Rabbi.”

“I’ll have you know my disguise was so convincing, I was asked to do a bris on the way over there.”

“And the K.K.K. rally as a Gangsta Rapper?”

“I got a music contract, didn’t I?”

Tai gave an exasperated sigh. “The point is none of those disguises were appropriate.” 

“Well this one is. I researched it thoroughly,” B.J. assured her. “Now how about you. How are you going to get in?”

“Since disguises are so ridiculously easy to do,” Tai sneered in B.J.’s direction. “I’ve decided to infiltrate the place in one as well.”

B.J. looked her over. All Tai was wearing was her standard ninja costume (which meant no mask, since she refused to ‘hide her good looks’ as she loved to put it). There was no way she could have had another outfit with her, not as revealing as the one she had on. “What is it?”

“I’m wearing it.”

B.J. examined her even more closely. “You’re going in as a kunoichi?”

“No,” Tai let out an exasperated sigh. “Look at my breast.”

B.J. gave her a wide-eyed stare. “Look, that line might work when you’re trying to pick up guys, but I am a girl, and your sister too! I have no sexual interest in you whatsoever!”

“I don’t want you to look at it like that. I meant the material over my breast.”

B.J. gave a warded look, but moved closer and examined the material. Her eyebrows furrowed upon seeing what Tai was referring to. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“It’s a good disguise,” Tai insisted.

“Wearing one of those does not constitute a disguise!” B.J. shouted.

“We’ll see,” Tai smirked in response.

B.J. just gave up. Let Tai get caught; B.J. wouldn’t care. The gaudily dressed kunoichi took a closer look at the museum they were preparing to infiltrate. “You know, this place looks different from the last time we were here.”

Mai pulled a copy of the blueprints out from her uniform. “You’re right. According to the blueprints, this building is not supposed to be in the shape of a pentagram.”

Tai looked at the museum pensively. “There’s definitely something wrong with this place, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.” 

All three of the girls looked at the edifice of the building more closely. There were more than a hundred obsidian gargoyles adorning the outside now, all of them seeming to stare with malevolence at the ‘intruders’. The kunoichi examined the large twin fountains that adorned the grounds at the front of the building. Blood was cascading from out of the granite sculptures of demons that were in various states of dismembering people.

“I know what it is,” B.J. said, horror creeping into her voice as she at last realized what was wrong.

“What?” Mai and Tai asked as one.

“There’s not enough parking here. There’s only one lot over there and it can hold no more than thirty cars at the most.”

“You’re right,” Tai gasped. “Thank god, I thought it was just me. What lousy planning.”

With that truth revealed, Mai said, “Let’s get going.”

Satisfied, all three kunoichi commenced with sneaking (in very ninjalike ways) into the museum.

“At least things are starting to look up,” Ukyou said.

“How can you possibly say that?!” Akane shot back.

“Well, for one thing, we aren’t being chased by those C.H.U.D.s anymore, right?”

“THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE THEY WERE EATEN BY A PACK OF ALBINO ALLIGATORS!!!”

“That are currently gaining on us!” Kodachi finished for Akane as the gymnast ran with her three comrades headlong down the sewer. 

“Okay,” Ukyou admitted. “But at least they aren’t rabid, like Shampoo said they’d be. Otherwise we’d be in real trouble.”

Akane resisted the urge to hit Ukyou. Hard. 

Taking a moment to look over her shoulder, Kodachi saw that the pack of albino alligators chasing them had managed to cut the distance separating the groups into half again. Numerous jaws snapped loudly in her direction. Putting on a burst of speed, Kodachi caught up to the leader (meaning the fastest girl until that moment), Akane. “I have an idea. Since I have personal experience in dealing with alligators, I have come up with an ideal way to stop their pursuit of us.”

“What is it?” Akane asked.

“If we throw them a large piece of meat, say, a cross dressing okonomiyaki chef, they will be distracted, and it would give us time to escape.”

“Hey!” Ukyou shouted from behind. “I am not some reptile’s dinner. Besides, why don’t we throw you at them instead?”

“As slender as I am, I would not give them pause for a moment, whereas your posterior alone would have them chewing for hours.”

“My butt is not big!” Ukyou unlimbered her spatula and took a swing at the running gymnast.

Akane hoped she made it through the grating first. Then she might be able to shut it on her companions before they climbed out and then she wouldn’t have to deal with their constant bickering for the rest of the night.

“I still haven’t seen any ninjas,” Ryouga said

“Keep looking,” Ranma ordered as the two of them continued to search the first floor. 

Ryouga was about to snap back a reply when he spotted a small, six inch doll in an exhibit case next to him. It was listed as a ‘Doll of One Wish’, made by a remote pygmy tribe in the middle of a Vietnamese jungle.

Ryouga shook his head. “But there aren’t supposed to be any pygmy tribes in Vietnam.”

“There aren’t supposed to be any Amazons in China or Conquistadors in New Zealand either, but that doesn’t stop them from being there, does it?”

“Good point,” Ryouga agreed, before feeling his heart skip a beat as he realized the doll had just spoken to him.

“I must be going crazy,” Ryouga muttered under his breath so Ranma, who was at the far side of the vast room, could not hear.

“You cannot become what you already are,” the doll assured him.

“Oh,” Ryouga felt relieved at the doll’s reassurance. “How is it you’re talking?”

“Magic,” the doll answered. “I’ll make you a deal. Release me from this display case, and I’ll give you a wish.”

“Really?” A wish! This could be Ryouga’s one chance to set everything right. He looked over his shoulder to make sure Ranma wasn’t nearby. If his lifelong rival found out about the wish, he’d just try to steal it from Ryouga. That meant the lost boy had to move fast. He quickly opened the case and held the doll in his hands. With a wish, he could do anything. It wouldn’t be magic like Shampoo used, or even like the magic Cave of Lost Love that Ukyou had employed once. A wish was different. There was no one, not even someone as kind and generous as Akane, who wouldn’t use a wish if it was granted to them.

Now all he had to do was figure out what to wish for. Akane’s hand in marriage? But what about Akari? Who did he love more? He had to choose the right one. Maybe his love for them was equal, so he should marry them both. But no. Ranma was engaged to Akane, and maybe, in some weird way, Ryouga would end up married to Ranma too which would just spoil everything. Besides, wanting to marry two girls made him sound like Kunou. Maybe he could just wish for all of the girls to like him and then he could pick and choose. But no, that was the sort of thing Ranma would do. Hell, given the number of women that seemed to flock to him, perhaps that was what had already happened, and look at how Ranma’s life had turned out.

Now Ryouga began to panic. There were so many things that could go wrong if he made some sort of big scale wish like that. There was no telling how many lives would be messed up, especially his own. He needed to make the wish something personal, so that even if things did go horribly awry he would be the only one that suffered. Money? No. He could attain that without a wish. To waste it on something like that was the sort of thing Nabiki would do. Best to make the wish about something that he could not possibly get through any other means. But what? More confidence? No; he might end up horribly egotistical, like Ranma. Better martial arts? No; it would be just like that stupid Tattoo of the Gods he had gotten once. He would have felt wrong gaining power using that sort of means. So what then?

And then he had it. Something he had always been dissatisfied about and could not change no matter what he did. When he went to public baths, he had always received stares and had snide comments made about him. And the worst part was, they were all true. In order to change it, magic would be the only way. Considering what it was, if something went wrong with the wish, he might end up doomed, but it was a chance he had to take. And if it worked, it might even help him with the confidence problems he had when it came to girls.

Somewhat embarrassed, Ryouga whispered the wish into the doll’s ear. 

The doll seemed taken aback. “That’s what you want to wish for?”

“Yes,” Ryouga said resolutely. 

“You’re absolutely sure?”

“Yes.”

“Final answer?”

Ryouga slapped the doll.

“All right then.” The doll smiled and cast the wish. It had to admit, considering the small scale of the change, it was easy to do. And since it involved only the boy on a personal level, the whims of magic would not twist it too far out of the context of what the boy wanted, as magic often did when it came to wishes. By definition, there would be some sort of drawback to it (since it was demonic magic that had empowered the spell) but due to the insignificance wish, the drawback would be insignificant as well.

Ryouga immediately felt the change in his body. His heart skipped a beat as he unzipped his pants and pulled it out. It had worked! Turning, he shouted “Ranma, take a look at this!”

Ranma, who had wondered what was in Ryouga’s hands that had held his interest for so long, had already been walking towards the lost boy and was no more than four feet away when Ryouga turned towards him. Ranma took one look at what Ryouga was showing him and his pig-tail shot straight out from the back of his head. He kicked Ryouga in the gut and followed up by giving him a solid punch to the jaw, knocking him to the ground. “Just because I turn into a girl doesn’t mean I wanna see that, you sick and disgusting pervert!” 

Ryouga laughed weakly from his sprawled out position on the floor. “I’m bigger than you now.”

Ranma paused and thought about it for a minute. That was right. Ryouga’s was a whole lot bigger than before. Not that Ranma had really looked at Ryouga that way in the past, but it had been so small to begin with, one couldn’t help noticing it when they had gone to the community bath houses together. “How did you do it?”

Ryouga stood up, and pushed the doll in Ranma’s face. “It was a wish I got from this thing.”

The fires of competition were stoked in Ranma’s chest. He immediately ripped the doll out of Ryouga’s hands and quickly said to it, “I wish mine was bigger too. At least a couple of inches bigger than Ryouga’s. Wait, better make it four. And wider around too.”

The doll somehow managed to pry itself from out of Ranma’s grasp and leaped to the floor. It looked up at Ranma contemptuously. “Ha! I fullfilled the only spell which compelled me to obey a human and have dispensed my wish. Now I am free of my enchantment and can do whatever I please. Muhahaha!” It started a little dance, then turned back to Ranma. “By the way, I can see the results of a wish before it has been granted. If I had given you yours, all of your girlfriends would have been intimidated by your tremendous size and abandoned you. Apparently even that Amazon girl has limits as to how far she is willing to go to please you.”

“This sucks,” Ranma said in disgust at the doll. “How come Ryouga gets a wish and I don’t?”

“We demons have a saying about situations like this: ‘It’s because it’s your turn to sit on the crapper’.” The little doll continued taunting Ranma. “It doesn’t matter anyway. His wish is now meaningless since I have been freed of my binding. Now I can now do what I really want and unleash my evil on the world, making every single person on Earth’s life miserable. WAHAHAHA!”

Ranma read the plaque under the display case, then turned back to the doll. “Exactly how does a six inch doll make everyone on Earth miserable?”

The doll placed its hands on its tiny hips and sneered. “I’ll use the magic power of my wishes. Hahahaha—“

“But the plaque says you’re only a one wish doll.”

“—hahahaha… what?” The words sank in and the doll’s mouth dropped until it hit the floor. The rest of it soon followed as it began kicking and screaming in a temper tantrum on the floor. “Ahhh! It’s not fair! Without any wish granting abilities, I’ll be forced to run for public office to make everyone miserable! It’s just not f—”

Ranma stepped on the demonic doll. Hard.

Stunned, it was easy for the pig-tailed martial artist to toss the doll back into its display case, then hammer several nails in the case to seal it shut.

“Serves you right for not giving me a wish,” Ranma complained bitterly. He turned to Ryouga. “Let’s keep looking for ninjas”

The two exited the room, only to come immediately upon an attractive teenage girl that was walking through the room and examining the various exhibits. They saw that she had her long black hair drawn back in a single ponytail and wore only a short pink skirt with two thin matching pieces of cloth that went up and over the shoulders, barely covering her ample assets, and a pair of short pink boots. 

Ranma and Ryouga moved in front of her. Ranma looked at her suspiciously and said, “Who are you?”

The girl bowed before them. “My name is… why hello there, stretch. Just hanging around, huh?”

Ryouga suddenly realized the wide smile that nearly split her face into two was directed towards him. Or more specifically, what was between his legs. Giving an, “Ack!” Ryouga quickly zipped up.

“AAARRRGGGHHH!”

Ryouga zipped more slowly this time, a full blush covering his pain-filled face. 

“ImsorryIforgotitwasoutintheiopenImnotapervertreally.” Ryouga prepared to run away.

“Relax,” the girl cooed soothingly. “I can admire a man who’s not afraid to show off his packaging,” Tai purred as she posed seductively for Ryouga’s benefit.

Ryouga’s response to this primitive mating ritual was to turn even redder than before and have a trickle of blood start to flow from his nose.

Ranma, completely incensed at Ryouga getting a wish and receiving all of the attention of the new girl, took charge of the situation. “You still haven’t told me who you are.”

“I’m the curator,” Tai said as she put her clever disguise into effect. She pointed to the name tag, stuck to the material over her left breast, that clearly spelled out in large black letters, ‘Curator.’ Tai even bounced slightly for Ranma’s benefit. She was delighted to see his attention was fully riveted on her jiggling mounds of barely concealed flesh.

Ranma gave a wistful sigh as he examined the girl’s chest. Looking at them closely, he was convinced the girl’s breasts were bigger than his own cursed form’s. It was turning out to be a completely miserable day. Taking a closer look at the rest of her clothing, he said, “You don’t look like a curator.”

“Oh?” Tai frowned in his direction. “And exactly what is a curator supposed to look like?”

“Ah,” Ranma began hesitantly, feeling an all-too familiar sensation creep up on him. 

“You’ve never even seen a curator before, have you?”

A sheen of sweat broke out over Ranma’s brow. “Well, no.”

“So how can you say I don’t look like a curator if you’ve never seen one?”

Ranma began to panic. It was just like when he talked with Akane or the other girls and was losing the conversation. “I don’t know.”

“It’s because I have a big chest, isn’t it?”

“No.” Ranma tried to get out more, but was cut off by Tai.

The kunoichi sniffled slightly. “It’s the same thing everywhere I go. People make assumptions that I’m stupid because of the size of my breasts. You probably think the only job someone like me could get is as a bimbo secretary.”

Ranma shook his head ferociously, and was about to say more, when Ryouga turned on him, shouting. “How dare you imply this nice girl is too stupid to be a curator and would only be good as a bimbo secretary!”

“I never said that!” Ranma insisted.

“Prepare to die!” Ryouga attacked Ranma, and the fight was on.

Tai’s tears dried up instantly, and she watched in amusement as the two fought their way into another room. B.J. didn’t know what she was talking about. This disguise stuff was just too easy.

Akane and Kodachi finished fusing the grating to the sewers shut with a couple of acetylene torches that had been salvaged from a workbench in the basement. Several very heavy statues that had been left in storage were soon repositioned on top of the grating. Once finished, all of the girls breathed a sigh of relief.

“Why didn’t we just fuse it shut in the first place?” Ukyou asked.

“Because you didn’t think of it,” Kodachi shot back.

Akane sighed. She had no desire to get involved in a brawl between the two. Shampoo had apparently already wandered off on her own, which meant it would be all right for her to do so as well. 

Akane said, “See you around,” to the squabbling pair, who were so involved in their fight that they didn’t even realize Akane had said a word. Akane made her way up to the ground level of the museum, hoping to come across Ranma and tell him what had happened.

Akane made her through the incredibly large museum, taking some time to look at the exhibits while keeping an eye open for any intruders. It almost seemed larger on the inside than it did on the outside. Her wandering brought her to a room where she found a copy of the Necronomicon on display. Interesting. Akane hadn’t thought the book was particularly famous, especially since Kasumi had a copy of her own that she kept stored next to some of her cookbooks.

As Akane admired some of the artwork on the walls, all of it reminiscent of something out of a Stephen King novel, she heard the gentle squeaking of wheels come from one of the rooms connecting to the exhibit she was currently in. Upon following the noise to the adjacent room, she saw that the cause of the disturbance was an older man. He had a long gray mustache and beard, wore a set of dusty, dull green workman’s clothes, and pushed a waist high circular tube that held a variety of mops, brooms, and other long handled tools necessary for cleaning.

“Can I help you, Miss?” the man asked in a tired voice that held the weight of years within it.

“Not really. I was just checking out the noise,” Akane said, then remembering her manners, explained, “My name is Akane Tendou. I’ve been hired as special security for tonight.”

“I see. Have fun.” The man bowed slightly, turned, and began to walk off, limping noticeably as he made his way towards the exhibit room Akane had just left behind. Just as he was almost to the opening between the rooms, one of the benches people used to sit on to relax and enjoy the displays came hurtling at him. Nimbly he leaped over the object, not allowing it to get within a foot of him. 

He fell into a guard stance next to his broom holder. “How did you know?” he asked Akane in a voice now sounding youthful and feminine.

“You’re wearing black soft toe Nike ninja slippers. No janitor in the world would wear something like that,” Akane answered.

The old man frowned. “Curses. I just got those today and wanted to break them in, so I decided to take a chance that no one would notice.” He ripped off his coveralls, his face momentarily obscured by the clothing. When the coveralls cleared his form, Akane found herself confronted by a girl wearing a gaudy looking pea green and red ninja outfit.

Akane recoiled in horror “What happened to you? Did you lose a bet?”

“Excuse me,” B.J. said, clearly offended. “This happens to be what every stylish ninja is wearing nowadays.”

“You mean the stylish, colorblind ones,” Akane retorted.

B.J smiled underneath her mask in spite of the insult. Not only did this little martial artist obviously not know who she was dealing with, but her taste in clothing was just plain drab. A plain white gi and red belt to tie it off? Please. Those were the sort of colors that sent people to sleep.

Likewise, the fool probably thought the kunoichi was at her mercy, but a true ninja was never defenseless. B.J. had her best weapon hidden inside the nearby can she was using to keep her janitorial tools in. It was one of the reasons she had chosen to go in a janitorial disguise. Her granduncle and all of the other students had told her it was improper for a ninja to use such a weapon, but she knew the truth: they were just jealous of her weapon superiority. 

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, B.J. reached behind her while keeping her eyes riveted to Akane. B.J. felt her fingers embrace the handle of the item as she pulled it out of the can. She brought it before her, wielding it with two hands. This was the best part, seeing the terrified reaction her opponents would give when they saw the awesome weapon in the kunoichi’s hands. 

“What are planning to do with that? It’s not like I’m a giant dust bunny, you know.” Akane said as she rolled her eyes at the weapon.

B.J. took a careful look at what she had pulled out of the can. How the hell was she supposed to beat anyone with a broom? She slapped her forehead in disgust. Apparently she had disguised her weapon a little too well. She pulled out another handle, only to see it was a mop.

“Damn it! I know it’s in here somewhere.” She bent into the can, trying to see the bottom. She was more than halfway in when she felt someone grab her legs, hoist her up in the air, then let go so that she was trapped upside down in the can.

Akane watched the kunoichi’s legs kick back and forth, smiling in satisfaction. She gave the can a swift kick. The force of the blow wheeled it quickly across the marble floor, slamming into a wall, hard. The can fell over so that the ninja, whose upper body was still inside, was sitting on her rump.

Akane slapped her hands together. That was easy. She couldn’t believe how much time she and the others had wasted in their anti-ninja training. If this was an example of how tough these self-proclaimed ‘Sexy Ninja Girls’ were, then Akane could have stopped them all single-handedly.

Just as Akane was about to leave the room, the air was suddenly filled with the high grating sound of something being torn asunder. Her eyes widened as she saw a shaft of gleaming metal rip through the top of the can. It worked its way down, severing the metal can in half as though it were made out of tissue paper. The gaudy kunoichi regained her feet, holding the weapon with two hands. Now that Akane got an unrestricted view of it, she saw that it was a six-foot tall two-handed sword, nearly five inches wide and with a serrated edge to it opposite the sharp edge. Engraved on the side was a set of ancient-looking runes, blazing with an eerie blue light of their own. Clearly Akane could see the runes made out the words, ‘Pigsticker II.’

That wasn’t good.

“Now you’ve had it!” B.J. shouted as she brought the sword to bear in Akane’s direction. 

“That thing is nearly six feet tall. The can it was in was only about four feet high. It couldn’t possibly fit in there,” Akane protested.

“Right. I’m so sure you’ve never pulled something too large out of too small a space as well.”

Akane shifted uncomfortably. “Okay. Maybe I have done things like that every now and then,” she admitted. “But ninjas don’t use giant two-handed swords. It’s just not done. Now if you were a European knight, or maybe even a samurai, it would work. But for a ninja to try to use such a thing is downright improper.”

“Wrong. I am a ninja, and I can use this sword. Watch.” B.J. swung the weapon at Akane. The youngest Tendou girl barely got out of the way of the stroke. “See what I mean? Now stand still. If I get my swing right, I’ll cut you in half cleanly instead of having the serrated side catch your entrails and rip them out of your body, throwing them halfway across the room so you can die a horrible, painful, and really messy death. I mean, I have mops and everything to clean up the mess, but I’d rather not have to bother with doing that, if you know what I mean.”

Akane leaped out of the way of the next sword stroke. “I think I’m going to run instead.” She took off. It was time to find Ranma and get him to help her. He was good at that sort of thing. She could be taken seriously as a martial artist next time.

B.J. pouted as Akane began to run away. “Get back here and get disemboweled, you inconsiderate wretch.” B.J. took up the chase, sword swinging.

Mai moved without a sound through the various rooms containing the exhibits to the museum. Something was horribly wrong. Evidently they had stolen the wrong set of blueprints, for nothing in the entire interior of the museum matched the drawings. Perhaps this was the result of on overnight remodeling job on a scale that was nearly impossible to comprehend. Every room seemed to be out of place, shaped wrong, and just had a creepy sort of feeling in general. Worse, she had yet to discover the location of the Sacred Urn of CaoPatty, the whole purpose to her being there. 

Mai silently hoped that neither of her sisters had found it yet. If they managed to get one up on her like that, she would never hear the end of it as the winner would rub it in the face of the other two. Not that Mai would not do the same to them; she just wanted to be the one doing the rubbing. Still, things could have been worse. It wasn’t like anyone had discovered her yet.

A hand fell on her shoulder. 

Mai hung her head down in shame. She had asked for that one. Apparently Standard Ninja Move Five: Hiding in Plain Sight, wasn’t the best technique to infiltrate the museum with.

The kunoichi turned around to see who had cleverly spotted her hiding in plain sight in the middle of one of the exhibit rooms. Mai saw that it was a guy with a spatula slung across his back, accompanied by a girl in a leotard. Judging by their garb, Mai figured them to be maintenance people, most likely.

“Let’s get going, Konatsu,” Ukyou said as she removed her hand from her waiter’s shoulder. It was a good thing he was wearing that yellow ribbon on his arm, or Ukyou might have swung first and asked questions later when she had first spotted the kunoichi walking idly through the room without a care in the world.

In response, Mai pulled a knife from her uniform and brought it back to stab her attacker with. Odd how the chef referred to Mai as “Konatsu” though. 

Just as the kunoichi was about to bring her knife forward, a ribbon snaked out from Kodachi and wrapped itself around Mai’s arm, preventing her from bringing it forward. A moment later, a spatula met with Mai’s head, knocking her unconscious.

“We don’t have time for anymore anti-ninja training,” Ukyou spoke tiredly as she picked the kunoichi up by the back of her outfit and proceeded to drag the unconscious person behind her. 

Shampoo looked around in irritation. Where the devil was Ranma anyway? He had said he was going to search the first floor, but she had not seen a single sign of either him or Ryouga. And things had finally started to look up for her too. Akane and the other rivals had undoubtedly been devoured by sewer predators, which would leave Ranma all to herself. Shampoo knew she had to move fast before either of the two fathers tried engaging Nabiki or Kasumi to Ranma. The two older men were quick on their feet, to be sure. There was only going to be a small window of opportunity for her to make her move.

Shampoo was still searching for Ranma when she spotted Tai looking around the exhibits. Seeing what the unfamiliar girl was wearing, Shampoo drew her bonbori and placed herself between the girl and the nearest exit.

“Who you?” Shampoo asked as she waved the bonbori menacingly before her.

Tai smirked. A stupid top heavy bimbo with the same crappy taste in hair color that B.J. usually displayed with clothing. It would be easy to fool her. “I am a curator.” She thrust her name tag, and chest, forward.

Shampoo read the name tag. “You no look like curator.”

“Have you ever seen a curator?” Tai shot back.

“Yes. Shampoo been to museum before weird remodeling and meet curator. You no look like him, unless you lose fifty years and get sex change.”

Tai began to sweat. Okay, so it turned out there was a hole in her plan to infiltrate the museum. It wasn’t too late. She could still outsmart the bimbo. “The old curator is on vacation. I’m the new one. It just so happens that a museum can’t get by without a curator.”

That seemed to alleviate Shampoo’s suspicions as she lowered her bonbori. “Oh, is good. then. For a second, Shampoo was afraid you was one of people who send challenge letter to museum.” 

“Well, I certainly sent no challenge letter,” Tai assured her. What an idiot.

The Amazon nodded. “You no fit profile. Shampoo saw letter and who was going to be here. Shampoo remember it signed by ‘Three Stupid Ninja Girls’.”

“We signed it ‘Three Sexy Ninja Girls,’ not ‘Three Stupid Ninja Girls’, you bimbo!” Tai slapped her hands over her mouth as she saw Shampoo level her bonbori at her again. Oh pooh. She really hoped her granduncle didn’t hear about this one.

“Humph. Stupid Ninja Girl is better name,” Shampoo smirked back. What a stupid top heavy bimbo. How could she possibly think someone as smart and observant as the pride of the Amazons would have fallen for such a transparent disguise? Even Ryouga wouldn’t have been stupid enough to fall for it.

Shampoo leveled her bonbori towards the bimbo ninja. She didn’t look like much. The Amazon would be able to handle her easily enough. And then she could take the girl’s unconscious carcass to Ranma and show her husband what a great and brilliant warrior she was. It was too easy.

Like B.J. before her, Tai took off her disguise. 

Yes, she threw the name tag to the ground. Now be quiet.

Tai fell back on her heels, ready to begin the magnificent duel between her and her opponent. “I am Tai Hashimoto: The Greatest and Most Beautiful Ninja Girl To Ever Grace This World, with my two sisters coming in a distant second.”

Shampoo gave a loud snort of indignation at that. “And Shampoo is Shampoo, greatest warrior of her generation of her tribe of Amazons of Joketsuzoku.”

Tai’s heard jerked back at the proclamation. “I’ve heard of your kind before.” Her voice dropped dramatically as she began. “From the deepest, darkest isles in Greece, there exists a tribe of warrior women—“

“No, no, no.” Shampoo quickly corrected. “You is thinking of Greek Amazons. We is Chinese Amazons.”

“Oh,” Tai said, then began again. “I’ve heard of your kind before. From the deepest, darkest isles of China, there exists a tribe of warrior women—“

“No, no, no. We is inland.”

“Right.” Tai began again. “I’ve heard of your kind before. From the deepest, darkest middle region of China, there exists a tribe of warrior women who are dedicated to the subjugation of men—“

“No, no, no. We give up that silly stuff long ago. We get along with mens well now. Womens is still in charge, but we no subjugate anymore. Is just bad press we still get.”

“Can I finish?” Tai asked.

Realizing her poor manners, Shampoo nodded her head shamefully. “Sorry. You finish. Shampoo no interrupt anymore.”

Tai cleared her throat. “Now, as I was saying, I’ve heard of your kind before. From the deepest, darkest middle region of China, there exists a tribe of warrior women who are dedicated to no longer subjugating men and being a pack of really tough bitches no one wants to mess with.”

Shampoo nodded in agreement and indicated Tai should continue. 

“Their battle prowess is second to none. It’s even said that if an Amazon defeats one in combat, the defeated person has… to… marry… them.” Tai paled and brought her hands to her face in fright. “Oh my god! You’re trying to marry me!”

Shampoo let out in exasperated sigh. “No, no, no. Stupid Ninja Girl get it all wrong. It not if outsider defeated by Amazon tha—“ 

Tai was beyond listening as a fear greater than that of being forced to have breast reduction surgery overcame her. “You sick and disgusting evil Amazon lesbian! You will never have my stunning and sexy body!”

“You no listening,” Shampoo tried getting more in, moving closer to the girl. “It not if girl defeated by Amazon they have to marry—”

Tai saw Shampoo moving closer and panicked. She pulled out a giant wooden mallet and proceeded to strike Shampoo repeatedly in the head with it, screaming, “Don’t touch me! I’m straight, you repulsive pervert! Find another lesbian to molest! Keep away from me! I’m a good girl! Wahhhh!” 

Tai stopped the beating and ran off, bawling her eyes out and leaving the mallet buried on top of Shampoo, who was pounded half way into the floor of the museum. As Shampoo’s eyes uncrossed and she realized what had just happened, she softly intoned, “Someone is getting Kiss of Death for sure this time.”

Mai had resigned herself to traveling with the two other girls by now. Three attacks (which the duo seemed to think of as ‘anti-ninja training’) that were easily countered and resulted in Mai suffering from head bashing attacks, left her convinced just to allow things go on as they were until a decent opportunity to escape presented itself. Besides, she was in no apparent danger from the two girls. Evidently she was a dead ringer for someone named Konatsu, (although Mai was sure she was much prettier than any other kunoichi), and the girls had taken Mai into their confidence as such. All Mai had to do was not say a word. She lacked B.J.’s uncanny ability to mimic anyone’s voice, and Mai doubted she sounded a thing like this Konatsu person. Luckily, Konatsu must have been a very quiet kunoichi. Besides, the two fools might lead her to the Sacred Urn of CaoPatty, and then Mai would be able to make a break for it for sure.

Currently, Kodachi, the leotard one, was using a restroom while Mai was left outside with Ukyou, the cross dresser with the utensil fetish. Definitely two weirdoes, those girls were. 

“Konatsu?”

It took Mai a moment to remember that she was supposed to be Konatsu. She turned, seeing a look of trepidation on Ukyou’s face. Mai cocked her head curiously in response.

There was turmoil in Ukyou’s voice as she saw she had the kunoichi’s attention and continued. “I’ve been thinking lately about my relationship with Ranchan. Thinking a lot actually, and I’m beginning to get worried. Since you’re the only friend I have besides Ranchan, and since I can’t really discuss this with him, I thought I could talk to you about it.”

Great. Just what Mai needed: Personal Confessions of the Really Weird.

“I’ve always thought Ranchan, I mean Ranma, really loved me most of all. I mean, I knew him first, and I was engaged to him first. Akane doesn’t count because he wasn’t actually engaged to her; it was just some ambiguous thing his father cooked up. He even called me the cute fiancee after he was engaged to Akane.”

Mai’s brows knitted in concentration. This Ranma called a cross-dressing girl cute? Boy, either this Akane was a major dog or the guy was a real weirdo. If Ukyou was a guy, she could see how the chef could be termed handsome, she had very bishonen features, (and Mai did not. Which she would prove by beating the crap out of anyone who suggested such a thing) but cute as a girl? No. Ukyou left a lot to be desired, like femininity. Mai had more of it in one silky leg than this girl had in her whole body.

Ukyou continued. “But sometimes it almost seems as though he doesn’t always think of me first and foremost. Sometimes he’s downright inconsiderate of my feelings, not that he’s the most sensitive guy in the world, but sometimes he’s just plain callous.”

All guys were like that, Mai thought. Sometimes they even were ignorant enough to imply that a girl who was flat-chested was undesirable, as though a woman’s breast size mattered a lick of how feminine she was.

“And lately, I’ve begun to wonder. Sometimes I think he looks at Akane with a lot more caring than he does at me. At first I thought I was just being paranoid, because I know Ranma loves me, but lately, I’ve began to wonder. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Ranma likes her more than me. Maybe he doesn’t really want to marry me. Maybe he’s just trying to figure out a way to let me down gently without hurting my feelings. Maybe I should give up on him rather than suffer more humiliation at his hands for being led on and then rejected yet again by him.”

Mai saw that there were tears beginning to well in Ukyou’s eyes as her voice trembled with emotion. Truly the girl was on the verge of a major decision in her life. Mai found herself sympathizing and wanted to give Ukyou words of consolation, but she couldn’t blow her cover. So Mai settled for the only thing she could do, something that could not help but point Ukyou in the exact direction her life needed to go so that her spirit could advance and rise again.

Mai shrugged her shoulders.

Ukyou held her head downward, her voice trembling as she said, “You’re right. I know now what I must do. I’ve only been fooling myself.”

So that was it then. A wave of sympathy washed over Mai. Longing to comfort the chef, the kunoichi moved towards her. She raised her hand to embrace Ukyou in a sisterly show of affection. Her hand was no more than an inch away when Ukyou’s head suddenly shot up and she raised her fist to the sky.

“Of course Ranchan loves me more than them! I can’t believe I actually thought that he would choose some psycho, bimbo, or tomboy over me! I can see clearly now more than ever that I’m the only real choice for him! It is our destiny to be of one flesh! I shall rededicate myself to marrying him and let nothing stand in my way!”

Ukyou turned to Mai, her eyes blazing. “And I couldn’t have come to this choice without your sound advice. I owe this decision all to you. Now I have just one more important question to ask, and don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I need to know the cold, hard, brutal truth.”

Fearful of the clearly insane girl, Mai nodded her head, indicating Ukyou should continue.

“Do you think I should wear the tux to the wedding, or should Ranchan?”

Mai facefaulted.

Tai continued running through the corridors of the museum, desperately trying to escape the evil Amazon lesbian that was no doubt stalking her, coming up with all sorts of lascivious ideas of what sexually perverse things to do to Tai. It was almost too much for her poor heart to bear. Oh, to fall prey to the dealings of the sexually deviant, and all because she was irresistible to both sexes. What a heavy burden one so young and beautiful had to carry. 

Kunou, Konatsu, and Mousse, all looked up to see a girl running towards them at top speed. Kunou was the first to speak.

“Look, that curator appears to be frightened by something.”

“That’s no curator. That’s a kunoichi,” Konatsu warned as he leapt into action.

Kunou looked again at the girl. “She looks like a curator to me. What do you think?” he asked Mousse.

Mousse shrugged. “Looks like a curator to me too. See if she has a name tag. That’s the only way to be sure.”

Kunou and Mousse began to move forward at last.

Tai saw that she wasn’t being pursued by the pervert, and looked forward at the room she had just rushed into. Her eyes bulged as she recognized her sister, Mai (by the uniform, golden ribbon on her arm, and flat chest), running towards her at top speed being pursued by two men. 

“I’ll save you. Get ready for move Sixty Three,” Tai shouted. At last she had an opportunity to employ one of her very own specialized maneuvers that she had developed on her own. Actually, she had well over a hundred unique moves that were highly effective in most combat situation, from one on two fights, to fighting off a horde of attackers. True, her sisters didn’t seem to care much for the moves since each one involved using them as weapons and tended to leave them the worse for wear, but sacrifices had to be made in combat.

Tai was surprised to see Mai actually complying with her request by thrusting her arm forward, though it almost appeared she was aiming a fist at Tai. Still, extending the arm helped make the maneuver the awesome offensive weapon that it was.

Moving with extraordinary speed, Tai ducked under the arm and grabbed it by the elbow. She bent down and picked up the overextended kunoichi by the ankle, then stood up and proceeded to spin around in a circle, picking up speed with the pirouette. Tai could hear Mai shouting something about losing her lunch. “Quit crying, you big baby. We’ll take out these clowns for sure.”

At the moment of maximum speed, Tai released the hold on her burden and allowed the kunoichi fly in the direction of the opposition. She watched as both men stood still, obviously in shock at the elegance of the maneuver, and went down in a heap from the force of Tai’s makeshift projectile as it hit them head on.

“Yahoo!” Tai jumped up and down, giving a healthy dose of fan service to everyone in the room. “I leave the rest in your capable hands,” she shouted to her ‘partner’, as Tai ran off to escape the clutches of the lesbian that was no doubt still in hot pursuit of her. 

Konatsu’s body ached as he raised himself up out of the pile of bodies on the floor. He had been caught off-guard like a rank amateur. Such a mistake was unforgivable. “I profusely apologize for my failure,” Konatsu said as he bowed before the slowly rising Kunou and Mousse. “I shall not allow it to happen again.”

“Do you believe such hollow words would mask your base treachery?” Kunou thrust his bokken in Konatsu’s direction. 

“What do you mean?” the ninja asked, taken aback by his ally’s attitude.

Mousse joined with Kunou in pointing an accusatory finger in Konatsu’s direction. “We heard you discussing that move with the girl and then you helped her attack us. It’s obvious you’re in league with these ninjettes.”

“Kunoichi,” Konatsu corrected.

“Whatever,” Mousse growled as a set of razor-sharp blades extended from the folds of his sleeves. 

Konatsu began to stammer out an explanation. “How could you think I’m league with them? She just picked me up and threw me at you.“

“Save your treacherous words for those less blind. We can see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears the truth of the matter.” Kunou thrust his bokken in Konatsu’s direction.

Konatsu shook his head in open disbelief. “You two really are complete morons.”

“Ha! Such unmerited criticism from one so perverted affects me quite little, I’m afraid,” Kunou countered. 

“Now prepare to pay the price for your backstabbing, traitor,” Mousse warned as both he and Kunou charged the young ninja. Left with no other recourse in action, Konatsu did the only thing he could do and ran. As the other two kept hot on his heels, the ninja had to ask himself exactly what he had done to deserve this?

It was at the exact center of the museum that the ancient object lay. 

It was out in the open, standing upright in the middle of a raised dais that was composed of the purest crystal in the world. Thousands of ancient symbols were engraved upon each of the raised steps leading to the center of the dais. Various gemstones, magically altered into a liquid state, filled each of the engraved runes making each a different color, ranging from abyssal black to the deepest azure to colors that the human mind could scarcely comprehend as they shimmered impossibly in the light. A skylight was poised above the platform, shining unfiltered moonlight directly through glass made of solid air, illuminating majestically the single object that rested in the exact center of crystal dais. It was an ancient urn, unlike everything else in the room, haggard looking and worn. It was a sickly earthen color, and numerous small cracks lined nearly every square centimeter of the surface. One of the handles near the top was cracked, making holding the object by anything other than the bottom an impossibility.

Basically, it looked like something shitty one’s great-grandmother has stored under five inches of dust in her attic which she won’t let be thrown out because it has sentimental value, never mind the fact her memory is so shot she doesn’t remember where the damn thing came from in the first place, just make sure to leave it right where it is.

And yes, it was the only thing that truly mattered in the room. The object of three ninjas’ quest and what their opposition sought to leave right where it was.

The Sacred Urn of CaoPatty.

And it was at the center of the museum where things truly began.

Ranma ran into the room first, being chased by Ryouga who was accusing him of being the only one around that could qualify as a “bimbo secretary.”

Akane was next, quickly followed on her heels by a two-handed magic sword wielding kunoichi.

Kodachi, Ukyou, and Mai followed, actually getting along quite well with one another.

Tai bounced into the room, constantly looking over her shoulder for any sign of pursuit.

Kunou and Mousse were actively chasing Konatsu, who was still successfully fending off their mutual attacks.

Akane won the contest for ‘Most Interesting Entrance,’ since she had the advantage of being pursued by one of the new people, as well as the unusual nature of the weapon she was being attacked with. Kunou and Mousse came in second, due to the fact they were combining to attack Konatsu, an unusual target considering they bore him no personal grudge and actually hated Ranma more than anything.

“Hey! We’re missing someone,” Ranma pointed out.

Shampoo was somewhere else in the building, cursing her lack of wind. It really was her own fault. Lately, she had been taking it easy and eating way too many Twinkies. Her pack a day cigarette habit hadn’t helped things, either.

“We’d better get started without her then,” Ranma said.

“Hey!” Ukyou exclaimed. “How can Mousse and Kunou be picking on Konatsu when he’s standing right next to me and Kodachi?”

Mai turned in anger on Ukyou. “That’s because I’m not Konatsu, you whiny, screwed-up, cross-dressing, obsessed, little weirdo! God, if I have to hear another simpering complaint about your precious little ‘Ranchan,’ I am going to hurl.”

“Ukyou does not whine,” Ranma protested. 

“That’s right. I don’t…” The rest of the words died in Ukyou’s mouth as she shot Ranma a nasty look. “Hey! What about the rest of the stuff?”

“You’re not little and I wouldn’t personally describe you as a weirdo either.”

“What about the rest?”

“What about it?”

Ranma suddenly found himself the recipient of close to two dozen throwing spatulas hurled in his direction. 

“Let’s see who this fake Konatsu really is.” Kodachi moved forward and ripped off the kunoichi’s mask. “Look, it’s the owner of the haunted amusement park!” she gasped.

“I don’t own a haunted amusement park,” Mai protested. 

Kodachi gave an impish smile. “I know. It’s just that I’ve always wanted to do that.” The gymnast moved away from Mai and examined the kunoichi a little more closely. “You’re very handsome.”

“Yeah. He’s got that bishonen look down better than Ukyou,” Akane agreed. 

“I am not a guy!” Mai protested. 

Ukyou poked Mai in the chest. “But your chest is even flatter than Konatsu’s, and he’s really a guy.”

“Umm, would you mind not doing that?” Mai said.

Konatsu moved forward and joined in the poking. “Say, I think you’re right. Isn’t it possible you might have been raised by women and only taught to think and act like a girl and you’re really a guy?”

“It’s a possibility,” Tai said from off to the side.

“It is not and you know it! You grew up with me, stupid!” Mai raged. “Who’s ever heard of such a preposterous story anyway?”

All the Ranma ½ regulars raised their hands. 

“What a bunch of weirdoes, you are,” Mai said. 

“You got that right,” B.J. agreed. “Now we had a nice normal upbringing. Born in an Icelandic rainforest, we were abducted by New Zealand Conquistadors at the age of three. For several years we were raised by them until we were lost at sea, eventually ending up washed ashore on an island with a bunch of dinosaurs that were too stupid to realize they were supposed to be extinct for centuries. After hiding in caves for a year, we escaped on a boat made up of nothing but coconuts and tied together with our own body hair. We were about to drown at sea when we were picked up by a weird-looking space ship that was made out of wood. We were supposed to be transported safely to Japan, but our idiotic sister thought carving our initials on the tree in the center of the ship was a good idea. The space tree disagreed, and we were hurled bodily out of the ship somewhere over France. We survived by working with a troupe of circus midgets until we stumbled onto a cave of time and were sent into the past. After many adventures, we eventually made our way to ancient Japan and had ourselves cryogenically frozen until we were revived several years ago.” B.J. took a deep breath as she finished her tale.

“Wow! The exact same thing happened to me,” Ryouga said.

B.J. nodded in Ryouga’s direction. “See? Perfectly normal.”

Ranma leaned closer to Akane and whispered, “Remind me to thank Pop for my relatively normal upbringing.”

As B.J. finished regaling the others with her tale, Shampoo at last burst into the room, huffing and wheezing. After taking a moment to catch her breath, and swearing to cut back to half a pack a day, she leveled her bonbori at Tai. “There you are, Stupid Ninja Girl! Now Shampoo give you Kiss of—“

“Ahhhhh! Tai squealed at the top of her lungs. “It’s the evil Amazon lesbian, hunting me to ground at last. Oh woe is me. No doubt she has already made insidious plans to chain me up and make me her sexual plaything.”

“Shampoo is not a lesbian!” the Amazon insisted. 

“Liar!” Tai shot back. “The first thing you said when you came into the room was that you were going to kiss me.”

Shampoo suddenly looked a bit awkward. “Well, yes, Shampoo said she was going to kiss you, but it not that kind of kiss. And Shampoo is not a lesbian. Just ask all of Shampoo’s friends.“

“I always suspected you were perverse in that way,” Kodachi said as she leveled in accusatory finger at Shampoo.

“Hey, Shampoo, I turn into a really attractive girl, so you still want to be married to me, right?” Ranma asked, his sex appeal suddenly in jeopardy.

Ukyou recoiled in horror. “Oh god! I’ve been in public baths with her before. She was probably sizing me up and coming up with all sorts of lewd thoughts about my nubile body.”

“Ha!” Shampoo snorted. “Shampoo not think such things about Spatula Girl. Besides, Akane have much better body than Ukyou, not that Shampoo notices such things.”

Mousse was at Shampoo’s side in an instant. He fell to one knee and grasped her hand. “Oh, Shampoo. Now all of your rejections of me make sense at last. Allow me to turn you aside from this deviant lifestyle. Please, marry me.”

Shampoo nailed Mousse in the head with a bonbori.

“Fine,” Mousse said from his position on the ground. “I’ll just get some Nyanniichuan and turn into a cute girl. That’ll solve everything.”

Tai saw Shampoo return her attention to the kunoichi again and continued cringing in horror. “Keep away from me!” 

A flick of Tai’s wrist and a chain appeared in her hand. She swung it around once, then hurled it around Akane. One quick tug later, Akane found herself hurled across the room and in front of Tai. “Here,” Tai said as she thrust Akane before her. “Take this raging bull dyke instead. She’ll make you almost as happy as I could, if I was a lesbian.”

“I am not a bull dyke!” Akane shouted as she muscled her way out of the chain. 

“That’s right,” Ranma said as he made his way to stand next to his fiancee. “Akane might be uncute, unfeminine, and built like a brick, but she is definitely heterosexual.”

Akane punched Ranma in the face. 

“What was that for?!” he snapped. “I was defending your sexuality.”

“Don’t! It’s even worse than her accusing me of being a lesbian.”

Tai looked incredulously at Akane. “Oh, come off it. Just look at that butch haircut and muscular build. You’re practically screaming, ‘I’m one rugmuncher that can make your day, girly-girls, so drop your panties and come get some’.”

“I am not!” Akane protested. 

Tai looked unconvinced. “Oh, really? I bet you took auto-shop in high school.”

“Only in my Freshman year, and that was because the home economics teacher made me do it since I blew up a stove. Although I did enjoy the class and got an A in it.”

“Right. Did you beat up guys that came onto you?”

“They were all just creepy boys.”

“I see. Do you own any kd Lang CDs?”

“Several.”

“Chris Davies and Jim Bader?”

“Literary gods.”

“AH HA!” Tai pointed her finger right at Akane. “That proves it. You couldn’t be more of a lesbian than if you joined the LPGA Golf Tour.”

“That proves nothing!” Akane shot back. “Just ask all of my friends.”

“I always suspected you were perverse in that way,” Kodachi said as she leveled in accusatory finger at Akane.

“Hey, Akane, I turn into a really attractive girl, so you still want to be engaged to me, right?” Ranma asked, his sex appeal suddenly in jeopardy.

Ukyou recoiled in horror. “Oh god! I’ve been in public baths with her before. She was probably sizing me up and coming up with all sorts of lewd thoughts about my nubile body.”

“Ha!” Akane snorted. “I have never thought of you that way. Besides, Shampoo has a much better body than you do, not that I’ve ever noticed such things.”

Kunou was at Akane’s side in an instant. He fell to one knee and grasped her hand. “Oh, Akane. Now I understand your resistance to my advances. Allow me to turn you aside from this deviant lifestyle. Please, marry me.”

Akane flattened Kunou with her fist

“Fine,” Kunou said from his position on the ground. “I’ll just become gay. Then we will be perfect for one another in our homosexuality.”

“No worry, Akane,” Shampoo said sympathetically as she placed a reassuring hand on Akane’s shoulder. “Shampoo do all of those things too, and she not a lesbian either. Maybe we exchange kd Lang CDs, yes?”

As the two began to discuss the merits of music, Tai, backed away from the others and formed up with Mai, and B.J., forming the ‘Three Sexy Ninja Girls’ Squad. Seeing this, Ranma and the others gathered together and did the same, forming ‘Those Who Had Found The Ninjas They Were Hunting For.’

B.J. smirked at her opponents. They were clustered together. It was perfect.

“Sexy Ninja Girl Attack: Blinding Style!” The glare from the overhead lights shone off the sequins of her outfit, reflecting the light a hundredfold. It produced a bright glare, equivalent to a thousand kilowatt lightbulb and blinding her opponents, causing them to all recoil from their sudden lack of sight.

“Ha! That took care of them!”

A hand smacked B.J. in the back of the head. “And us too, you nitwit! Next time warn us when you’re going to do that,” Mai warned from behind as she too could no longer see anything but a glare of white. Tai was no better as she began stumbling around, running into her sister’s and asking if either of them was one of their opponents. 

Mousse, though unable to see anything, was calmer than the others. “The joke’s on you, ninjettes. I’m used to not being able to see clearly. Now prepare to pay for your foolish attack!” A throwing club was brought out from the folds of his robes. He drew back, blindly smacking Ranma in the head with it, before releasing the club in the direction of where he thought his opponents should be. 

After hitting Konatsu in the back of the head with the first one, Mousse’s second throwing club was more on target.

B.J. ducked the assault, allowing the club to shatter a display case behind her. “Impressive move, four eyes. But your style of clothing leaves a lot to be desired. Plain white robes are so passé they make me want to cringe just looking at them. Now if you wore, say, an aquamarine sash and matching vertical lines along the side, then you might have something to impress people with.”

“You know, I was thinking the same thing,” Mousse admitted. “Maybe I should add leather along the shoulders.”

“Yes, I think that could work,” B.J. said.

Both Mai and Ranma, who had wandered around until they nearly bumped each other, recovered their vision at about the same time. They noticed their respective allies start to delve deeply into a conversation about Mousse’s fashion. They looked at each other, nodded, then approached their respective partners. 

Ranma smacked Mousse in the back of the head while Mai did the same to B.J.

“Exchange fashion tips later. Right now get back to the fight,” Ranma chided to Mousse. 

“Thanks for the help,” Mai said to Ranma as she held B.J. by the ear.

“No problem,” Ranma said. 

“Do me a favor. I have to continue reprimanding my sister here, so could you hold this candle for a moment.” Mai handed Ranma a long red object with a burning string on the end. He accepted it, and she hurriedly backed away from him.

Ranma examined the red object more closely. The wick on it was pretty long, and it seemed to be giving out a tremendous amount of sparks, but at the current rate of movement of the flame on the wick it wouldn’t take long for it to reach the candle.

“Ranma! That’s not a candle! It’s a stick of dynamite!” Konatsu shouted from across the room.

“Don’t be paranoid!” Mai shouted from the opposite end of the room. “Just read the writing on the side.”

Ranma slowly read the writing out loud. “Only an idiot would think that this candle was a stick of dynamite.”

“Turn it over and read the other side!” Konatsu shouted.

Ranma turned it over and read the words out loud again. “Of course this is really a stick of dynamite, you loser. Too bad you just ran out of time to do anything about it.”

The dynamite exploded in Ranma’s hand. 

“Truly they are tricky ninjas.” Konatsu bowed in admiration to Mai, who bowed back in deference to him.

Ranma was left lying flat on his back as the battle was truly joined. Ukyou and Kunou formed an unlikely team as the chef threw mini-spatulas in B.J.’s direction, trying to drive the kunoichi into reach of Kunou’s bokken. Across the room, Konatsu and Kodachi tried to use a variety of clubs and shurikens to bring Mai down from afar, not allowing her to attempt any ninja tricks. Mousse and Akane chased Tai around the room, while Tai was more concerned with keeping as much distance between herself and Shampoo as possible. 

Ryouga moved in to help Akane. Tai saw this and said, “Hey, Hanger. Play your cards right and you might get some of this later.” She did a leap kick in the air towards him.

Ryouga looked up to defend himself, then saw what had laid so many of Tai’s opponents low. Her lacy thong panties had ridden up so high, that Ryouga couldn’t help but seeing clearly what was outlined within. That combined with the implication that he might ‘get some’ of it later, and the vivid fantasy that accompanied it, completely overwhelmed him as he hit the ground and passed out from the sight.

Tai landed next to his unconscious form. “That’s the first time I knocked out someone without kicking them. Hmm.” She took a closer look at Ryouga, A wicked grin spread across her face as she pulled out a length of steel cable, flipped Ryouga onto his stomach, then proceeded to hog tie his arms and legs behind him. Satisfied at the results, she shouted to her sisters, “Hey, this one’s mine! I’m saving him for later, after we complete out mission!”

“You can’t abduct Ryouga. I won’t let you,” Akane threatened as she menacingly approached Tai.

“Keep away, pervert,” Tai warned. “I’m only interested in guys, especially strapping young men like this one.” Her hand drifted towards the area of Ryouga’s groin. “Here, let me show you how straight I am by demonstrating what I like to do with a hanging hunk of studmuffin like this.” Tai undid the drawstring on Ryouga’s pants and pulled them down to his knees.

But since this isn’t a lemon, Tai does not get to perform her little ‘demonstration.’

“Tease,” Tai complained bitterly as she reluctantly pulled Ryouga’s pants back up. The kunoichi didn’t have time to complain further as Shampoo drew near her again. Tai quickly ran off and left Ryouga behind.

Ukyou’s series of attacks had at last made B.J. zig when she should have zagged. The kunoichi found herself before Kunou, his bokken drawn back as he prepared to strike her. Thinking fast, she quickly spun halfway around, hiding her front from Kunou. Just as his bokken began to swing downward, B.J. turned back around. “You wouldn’t hit a pregnant ninja with glasses, would you?”

Kunou stopped his bokken barely two inches from B.J.’s head. She was indeed wearing glasses and there was a noticeable bulge in her abdomen. “I hadn’t realized your condition. Please forgive me.”

“She has a pillow stuffed under there, you idiot.” Ukyou pointed at the tag sticking out from under the bottom of B.J.’s uniform.

“Eh?” It was too late for Kunou as he was distracted enough for B.J. to lay three solid punches into his jaw and two kicks to the head, stunning him. A smoke bomb hurled in Ukyou’s direction had her coughing enough to allow B.J. to leave her opponents behind and help one of her other sisters out. Mai appeared to be holding her own against her adversaries, so she assessed Tai’s situation. A quick plan formed in her mind.

Mousse was trying to hit the elusive ‘ninjette’, with a potty training seat when he heard a familiar voice cry, “Yoo hoo, Mousse dear.”

All thoughts of attack burned away in the flames of passion that overrode Mousse’s senses. He could barely force himself to look in the direction of the voice. “Sh… Shampoo?”

She waved at him, his lavender-haired purpose to living. And she was smiling and posing sexily for him too. She almost never smiled at him, except those times when he promised to leave her alone. It made trying to keep those promises almost worthwhile. “You called me dear,” Mousse softly moaned. 

“Yes, Shampoo did,” Shampoo cooed. 

Mousse was nearly floating above the ground in joy when a voice somewhere behind him growled, “No be stupid, Mousse. That not Shampoo.”

Mousse turned around in confusion. Amazingly, there was indeed another Shampoo behind him, identical to the first, right down to the short, tight, pink outfit she was wearing.

“No be confused by that impostor,” The first purple-haired girl, Shampoo A, said as she moved closer to Mousse and ran a finger under his jaw. “Handsome Mousse know who real Shampoo is. All he have to do is look into heart.”

“That’s right,” he cooed in a lovestuck delirium. 

“Shampoo know stupid Mousse no fall for such transparent trick,” Shampoo B snapped back.

Shampoo A grabbed Mousse by the sides of his head and buried his face in her chest. “Shampoo know Mousse is only one for her. Shampoo love Mousse too, too much.” She pried his face out of her cleavage and looked him in the eye. “You show Shampoo how loyal you are. You beat up evil impersonator, then you get real Shampoo all to yourself.”

Shampoo B shook her head sadly. There was no way even that idiot would mistake such melodramatic, saccharine sweet talk from an obvious impostor. Mousse had grown up with her all of her life, had lived under the same roof with her for a year. Any half-wit moron would clearly be able to see the difference between the two.

Mousse detached himself from the Shampoo embracing him and drew menacingly towards the second one. Shampoo B looked at him in confusion. “Mousse, what you doing? That not real Shampoo you listening to.”

“I don’t care!” Mousse shouted back, nearly weeping with joy. “I want that Shampoo for my own. And if she says I have to beat you up to get her, then so be it.” A series of chains shot forth from Mousse’s sleeves.

“Aiya!” The real Shampoo shouted out in dismay. Mousse was serious this time. Thinking fast, she grabbed the nearest thing that could shield her from the incoming projectiles. “Airen, protect Shampoo from attack!”

Shampoo grabbed the just recovering Ranma from his position behind her and held him before her like a shield. The chains, and the blunt objects attached to them, hit Ranma squarely, blocking Shampoo from the attack. Once the volley was over, Shampoo gave Ranma a powerful glomp. “Ranma is so heroic to save Shampoo from attack.”

Ranma could only give a stunned moan in response.

Akane stomped over to Shampoo. “How dare you use Ranma to protect you like that.”

Shampoo tossed Ranma to the side. “Okay. Shampoo use Akane as shield this time.” 

“Look! Akane has boldly thrown herself in front of Shampoo to protect her from attack!” Kodachi shouted to everyone in the room.

“I did not!” Akane snapped back. She was about to say more when the bit about shielding attacks finally sunk in. Akane turned just in time to see a series of chains strike her solidly, knocking her unconscious and sending her body back into Shampoo’s arms. The Amazon reflexively caught the girl.

Shampoo B, B.J. Shampoo, moved closer to Mousse’s side. “No worry any more, Mousse. Now Shampoo finish off these two jerks.” B.J. Shampoo unlimbered ‘Pigsticker II’ from its sheath and took a swing at the unconscious Akane and the Amazon supporting her. The real Shampoo was barely able to get out of the way in time, reflexively holding onto Akane. B.J. Shampoo swung again, forcing Shampoo to flee, carrying Akane with her the entire time. Tai shouted words of encouragement, telling her sister to “slice and dice away.”

Ukyou stared at the scene in open amazement. To Kodachi she said, “Look at the way Shampoo’s protecting Akane, and right after Akane took that attack for her. Maybe what that kunoichi said about them being perverts is true.”

“I knew it all the time,” Kodachi said confidently from her position next to Ukyou.

“So did I. It was obvious for anyone to see,” Mai agreed as she stood next to Kodachi. “By the way, I have to go over there for a moment. Could you hold this wire for me?”

“Certainly,” Kodachi said graciously as she accepted the end of the wire offered to her by Mai. “Oh, but that will keep my hands full. Could you do me a favor as well and hold this medicine ball for me?”

Mai looked in surprise at the medicine ball that had seemed to appear from behind Kodachi’s back. “Ah, sure.” She accepted the ball and began to walk away. What a bizarre girl. Well, soon to be fried bizarre girl, as all Mai needed to do now was throw the switch to the power box the cable was connected to. Then the leotard-clad girl would be exposed to ten thousand volts of electricity, eliminating her from the fight. Mai had to laugh to herself. Sometimes it was too eas—

*BOOM*

“Gunpowder filled medicine ball?” Ukyou asked as she laid a hand on Kodachi’s shoulder and watched Mai’s singe covered form collapse to the ground.

“Of course,” Kodachi said with a broad smile. “No mere kunoichi can outwit the likes of Kodachi Kunou. OHHOHOHOHOHO—“

“Unless Kodachi Kunou forgets to let go of the live wire she’s holding,” Tai said dryly as she threw the switch to the power box that her sister had failed to reach.

Both Kodachi and Ukyou, found themselves hit with ten thousand volts of electricity (and some amps as well), knocking them both to the ground.

“Well, that was easy. All we need to do now is take care of the last two and we can—“ Deeply ingrained ninja instincts took over as Tai barely dodged out of the way of a series of throwing knives that arced through the air towards her. They flew past her, burying themselves in the power box where she had been a moment before. Turning, she found herself confronted by another ninja. 

“You’re that Konatsu person, correct?” Tai asked as she took up a fighting stance.

“Indeed.” Konatsu said, mirroring her positioning. 

“And you’re really a man dressed up as a kunoichi, correct?”

“Indeed,” Konatsu admitted.

Perfect. Tai had him. With a thrust of her powerful leg muscles, she leaped high into the air and prepared to deliver a leap kick to Konatsu. She made certain her skirt flew high up her waist as she brought her right foot forward, preparing to deliver it to the openly gawking face of her opponent. 

Except he wasn’t openly gawking. 

With preternatural speed, Konatsu twisted and grabbed Tai’s ankle in mid-kick and hurled her powerfully into the ground. Slowly, Tai got up, staring at him in open disbelief. “How? How could you be unaffected by the power of my revealing leap kick? Are you gay?”

Konatsu crossed his arms confidently. “No. I’m just in touch with my feminine side.”

Tai’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “I see. Then that leaves me with only one choice. Sexy Ninja Girl Final Attack: Nutcracker Suite!”

Konatsu gave her a curious look. “What sort of attack is thACK?!” The rest ended in a howl of pain as Tai kicked Konatsu right in the balls.

Konatsu went down to his knees, his eyes tearing in pain. Tai smiled evilly and leaned in close, whispering into her opponent’s ear, “Time to get in touch with your masculine side now.”

“Thanks,” Konatsu said through gritted teeth. “Allow me to return the favor. Konatsu’s Super Secret Sneaky Ninja Attack: The Titty Twist!” 

Konatsu’s hands shot forward, firmly grasping Tai’s twin mounds. He twisted them hard enough to nearly make a full revolution with his wrists. 

“ARGH! Not… into… pain,” Tai gasped out as she fell onto her back in agony.

“I’d have never fallen for that attack,” Mai’s singe-covered form moaned from her position close by.

“Not have… enough chest… for it… to work… either,” Tai gasped out as she continued writhing in pain.

“Bitch,” Mai retorted weakly back.

The real Shampoo began to panic as she found herself driven into a corner by Mousse and the sword wielding impostor (She wondered if her thighs really looked that big though. If so, it was definitely time to cut back on the Twinkies). What was almost as bad was the smile Mousse had on his face; he was actually enjoying himself. Oh, if it wasn’t for the fact she was going to die, Shampoo would really have laid into him for that one.

Shampoo saw the impostor draw back her two-handed sword. It reached high into the air, like a giant finger of death, as it was carefully lined up on Shampoo and primed for the kill. It looked like it was really the end. 

As with many people facing impending death, Shampoo reevaluated her life and found regrets filling her mind. When she thought about it, she realized that she had done many bad things. She should never have tried to use magic on Ranma to win his heart. She was sorry she hadn’t learned the true nature of his curse in time before she had tried to kill him. She felt grief over not trying to be more friendly and less antagonistic to her rivals. She was sorry for not taking the moral high road in her pursuit of Ranma. But the thing Shampoo regretted most of all was that Akane wasn’t thick enough to possibly block the incoming blow from the sword and buy her time to escape.

In desperation, Shampoo’s free hand reached backward and fell upon an open display case located next to the corner. Her hand grasped something that was slightly larger than her open palm. It felt hard, yet seemed to give slightly under the pressure of her hand. It had eight projections, four to a side. Her fingers grasped in-between the projections, and she brought the item out of its case and held it before her, as though something so small could shield her from such a huge blade. Her eyes fell upon the object; it appeared to be an elaborately jeweled jade spider. It contained enough precious stones to buy Shampoo’s village, but she would have traded them all in for a sword to block the blow from ‘Pigsticker II’. 

The two-handed sword started to descend, and Shampoo closed her eyes and cried out as her grip on the item tightened. She felt the jade give slightly with an accompanying hiss. Through closed eyes, Shampoo heard Mousse and the impostor cry out, and then complain loudly about something. Daring to peak, Shampoo saw that the duo were now stuck to the floor, cocooned in what appeared to be a large set of white webbing. 

Shampoo stared in wide-eyed wonder at the scene, then turned the spider around in her hand so that it was facing her. There was no way all of that silk could possibly have fit in such a tiny object. Truly it was an amazing magical device. She must have accidentally triggered it by squeezing.

Then the spider began to wiggle in Shampoo’s fingers of its own accord.

Shampoo gave a squeal of fright, as the spider leaped out of her grasp, releasing a much wider spray of webbing that trapped both her and Akane together under a silky sheet of white. Completely pinned to the corner by the webbing, Shampoo could only look on in horror as the spider began scuttling around the ground. The Amazon could see it open its tiny mouth. Small needles extended from its maw, disportionately large compared to the rest of the spider. A tiny drop of green ichor fell from one of the needles and struck the floor. The instant the drop made contact with the marble, the stone sizzled and bubbled, a small, acrid column of smoke rising. As the tiny cloud cleared, Shampoo could see a hole cleanly eaten though the marble. 

The spider reared up on four of its tiny legs, then proceeded to quickly scuttle towards Shampoo and the motionless burden still in her arms, Akane. It was no more than a couple of feet away when it gave a low hiss filled with bile, hate, and…

…silence, as a black slipper stepped right on the spider, shattering it into a thousand tiny green fragments. 

“Dontcha know you’re never in any danger when Ranma Saotome’s around?” He gave a cocky grin towards Shampoo.

“Oh, airen,” Shampoo sighed. Ranma had gone to all of that trouble just to save her.

“How’s Akane?” 

All right, he had saved Akane too, but Shampoo just knew she was what was on his mind first and foremost. At least, she’d better have been. 

Ranma made sure not to touch the webbing as he tried to visually examine the bundle in Shampoo’s arms. “I got to admit, Shampoo, it took guts risking yourself like that to keep them from hurting Akane. I know she ain’t light, and she must have slowed you down a lot. That was real nice of you.”

“Of course. Was no problem for Shampoo.” Actually, the truth was Shampoo had been so distracted in saving her own skin that she had forgotten she was still carrying Akane. Otherwise she would have left the tomboy behind for sure. Still, she had accidentally scored some points with Ranma and was damned if she would let the opportunity slip by.

“Now why don’t I get you guys out of there? Let me look around for something to get you free.” As Ranma began to search around for something to cut through the webbing, Akane began to stir in Shampoo’s grasp. 

As the first vestiges of consciousness began to return to Akane, she was vaguely aware of being held tightly in someone’s grasp. There was something about a giant sword chasing her and then she had been rescued. Dimly, her mind made a connection. 

“Ranma, you saved me,” Akane softly murmured, then embraced him.

“Ack!” Shampoo gasped as the breath was forced out of her lungs. 

“What’s wrong? Ranma asked.

“Akane breaking… Shampoo’s back,” she gasped out.

Ranma heard the words softly being moaned by Akane, understood, and smiled. “Gee, kinda stinks being squeezed like that, doesn’t it?”

“No can… breathe.”

“Yeah,” Ranma said casually. “The initial loss of breath is the hardest part. If you get caught off-guard like that, it all gets pushed out of your lungs and then you can’t breath any more for the duration of the glomp.”

“It… getting… dark.”

“That’s the oxygen deprivation. You’re going to start seeing spots in a moment and then it’ll get darker. Sometimes you’ll even hear the voices of people that have been dead a long time.”

“Okay… Shampoo… get… point. Will… no… glomp… Ranma… anymore.” For at least three or four days.

“Right.” Ranma bent low, then shouted. “Akane! Wake up!” Seeing she was starting to come fully around, he went back to trying to find something to free the girls.

Full consciousness returned to Akane. She felt a blush rise to her cheeks as she realized the sort of dream about Ranma she had just been having. She tried to get up, but realized she was immobilized by something all around her and that she was in someone’s embrace. “Hey! What’s going on?”

It took a moment for Shampoo to regain her lost breath. “Shampoo and Akane stuck in webbing.”

Akane cringed as she realized exactly whose arms she was in. “Look, Shampoo. We’re in a tight situation here, and I think we both firmly stated our sexual orientation earlier. Still, I feel now would be a real good time for me to reemphasize that I am completely heterosexual.”

“Shampoo is too. Being caught in web with Akane is last place Shampoo want to be in. Except being trapped in web with Mousse. That much, much worse.”

“Right. With that being said, would you please remove your hand from where it’s currently located on my body?”

“Oh, sorry. Shampoo not realize where her hand resting. Akane feeling pretty perky today though, yes?”

“Don’t remind me. Let me try to move around here.” Akane shifted slightly. “Yuck. This webbing is pretty tight and really moist.”

“*Gasp* Akane, that not *Gasp* webbing you fingers *Gasp* in right now.”

“It’s not? Then what is… AHHHH!”

Ranma began increasing the rate of his search.

“I see things couldn’t have turned out better if I had planned them this way from the beginning.” A voice boomed from one of the connecting passageways; the one that none of the others had entered from. 

All eyes turned to see the speaker. Still lying on the floor because of excessive static cling, Kodachi’s eyes widened as she gasped. “Of course. I should have known the one behind all of this is would be you, Mr. Takayami!”

“Of course he’s behind this!” Ranma snapped. “He’s the owner of this museum. He’s the one that requested our presence in the first place. It only makes sense that he’d be here.”

“Indeed,” Takayami said as he entered the room and drew nearer to Ranma. “However, I believe the delightful Miss Kunou is closer to the truth than even she realizes.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ranma asked as a terrible foreboding, like the one he usually got when a new fiancee came to town, began to creep up on him.

“Not much,” said the well-dressed man as he casually ran his finger along one of the exhibits. “Just that now that you’ve worn each other out, and it’s almost midnight, I shall be taking over the world shortly.”

“Ohh, I just knew it,” Mai shouted as she finally got to her feet. “Let me guess. Through magic, you’ve remodeled this whole building into a magical focus, going so far as to collect every evil magical item you can find and replacing the real museum pieces with them, so that you use their collective energy to summon some sort of massive power to reshape the world in the image you want. Right?”

“Well, yes,” Takayami said hesitantly. 

“I bet you screwed up the parking too.”

“Guilty.”

“That is soooo cliché it makes me want to barf. That is the plot of just about every single large scale powerful magic-involved plan there is.” She made a frightening face. “I’ll collect all of this energy and make myself ultra-mighty. Ohh, scary, ” Mai complained as she held her hands up in frustration.

Takayami went from being caught off-guard to unleashing a whiplash smile towards the girl. “Tell me, young lady, would it be cliché for me, the villainous mastermind in this little scheme, to use my power to hurl you into the wall hard enough to make you nothing more than a bloody smear?”

Mai went from bemoaning the situation to suddenly becoming nervous. “Ah, not really.”

“Good.” Takayami held up his hand, palm forward, and pointed it in Mai’s direction. The air around it distorted, rippling as though it had somehow taken on the characteristics of water. The collected distortion hovered in front of his hand for a second, then shot forward and headed directly towards the open-mouthed Mai. She shook herself out of her self-inflicted surprise, but knew it was too late. Even as she tensed her muscles up to leap away, the distortion was no more than three feet away from her. There wasn’t even enough time for regrets. 

Then world went topsy-turvy as Mai felt a heavy object strike her in the side and knock her out of the way of the incoming distortion wave. As she fell to the ground, she saw the ripples touch the wall, shattering hardened marble into dust instantaneously. Oh yes. That would have hurt big time.

Mai looked up into the face of her savior, who was currently laying on top of her, his hands directly on her breasts. It was the Ranma boy. A bit of a surprise, that. In response, Mai began purring in a seductive voice, “Amazing. Now that you’ve saved my life, I feel helplessly drawn to you and your roguish charm, despite the fact we are currently opposed to one another in this endeavor and have been enemies right up until the appearance of this new powerful foe. I think it’s a case of love at first sight.”

Ranma got off her as though he had found out she had another Jusenkyou curse for him. “Oh god! I don’t need another fiancee or any other love interests either!”

Mai got up and brushed herself up. “Relax, loverboy. The truth is, I was only kidding.’ She placed her hands on her hips and looked indignant. “I can’t believe you’d think I’m so shallow as to throw my heart at some complete stranger, that, to be quite honest, isn’t all that attractive or charming. I mean, we haven’t even had a single conversation, not even some inane discussion about the weather. And I sure as hell don’t believe in that ‘love at first sight’ crap. That’s just an excuse people use to cover up that fact they get horny over a member of the opposite sex they spot and try to pass it off as something with deeper meaning.”

“Thank god,” Ranma said as his heart started beating once again. “For a second there I was afraid you’d… what do you mean I’m not attractive or charming?”

“Should I have added stupid too?” Mai asked. “I think I was pretty clear and straightforward there. You have, at the most, average looks, which do absolutely nothing for me, are of average size and not overly muscular, kind of short, and you come across as an egotistical jerk who’s so full of himself he should explode. You also seem a bit fearful around women. I bet you’re the kind of guy that couldn’t commit to a girl if your life depended on it.”

“That’s amazing,” Ryouga gasped from his hog-tied position on the floor. “Are you sure you’ve never met Ranma before?”

“You shut up!” Ranma shouted back. “I am not any of those things, you cocky, flat-chested, guy-looking, inept ninja girl.”

Rather than be offended, Mai simply sneered. “Ha! Since I have absolutely no sexual interest in you whatsoever, I find your insults reassuring. The last thing I would want a major turn-off like you to do is to try and take me out on a date, which for you, I’m sure, is nothing more than an outdoor ramen bar and a flower you’ve picked from some vacant lot because you’re either too cheap or too stupid to remember to get one.”

“It’s scary how a person can be so right about someone with just a glance,” Mousse said from under the webbing.

“That’s not true!” Ranma howled. “If you go out on a date with me, I’ll show you what a great guy I can be.”

“I’d sooner hit myself in the head with a baseball bat. It’d hurt less and be much quicker.” Mai turned her back to Ranma.

“You can’t reject me out of hand like that!”

“It’s already been done, loverboy.”

Ranma was about to say more, but the sound of a throat clearing behind him gained his attention.

Upon seeing that he had both of the disputants' attention, Takayami began speaking once again. “As amusing as seeing the two of you arguing with one another is, I find myself offended that I’d be forgotten so quickly. I think I’ll rectify that situation by vaporizing both of you, then you can carry your little love spat into the afterlife. And considering how viciously you were going at it, I have a feeling you’ll need an eternity.”

Ranma began to tense up, but Mai just sneered in Takayami’s direction. “The joke’s on you, oh so powerful scumbag. I started that argument with the express purpose of distracting you long enough for the others to free themselves or recover from their various injuries. And you fell for it..”

Takayami looked around to see that people were indeed rising to their feet, looking much better than they had moments before. Kunou, Ukyou, Kodachi, Tai, and Konatsu all stood up. B.J. cut through both her and Mousse’s webbing with her magical two-handed sword, and Akane and Shampoo had easily melted through their webbing with their combined battle auras, which had formed when they saw how hard Ranma was trying to get a date with Mai. There was just one little detail.

“Hey, could someone cut my bonds loose? I can’t get enough leverage to break out,” Ryouga said. 

“No time,” Akane said as the others formed up in front of Takayami.

Ranma turned to Mai and smiled. “Pretty clever trick there, saying all of those lies about me to distract the head guy. I’m impressed.”

“Oh no. I meant every word I said,” Mai assured him.

“What?” Ranma started to protest. 

Akane cut him off by shouting, “There’s no time for this! We have to stop this guy.”

“Right,” Ranma said, silently vowing to take up his little discussion with Mai at a later time.

“Now this should be fun.” Takayami crossed his arms and waited for the others to make the next move. The wait wasn’t long as nine martial artists charged him at once, trying to dog-pile Takayami where he stood. 

Collectively, nine of the most powerful martial artists in the world assailed Takayami with ki reinforced weapons: bokken, shurikens, ribbon, hammer, bonbori, chains, spatula, leap kick, and magical two-handed sword. Combined at the same moment and at the same target, they hit with enough force to sink a small cruiser.

Individually, Takayami didn’t even flinch at the power directed towards him. Once the initial wave of their onslaught passed, and they had a moment to stare in horror at their lack of results, Takayami tossed them all to the far side of room with nothing more than a wave of his hand.

“Absolutely pitiful,” Takayami said as he looked over the stunned group of martial artists. The walls themselves seemed to come alive as sections of it took on a serpentine shape and wrapped themselves around the arms and legs of all of the fallen foes. They were hoisted up flat on the wall, spread-eagled like some sort of trophies. Struggling was useless in the hands of the marble bonds as they refused to give in the slightest.

“I’ve toyed around with the idea of leaving some of you alive to witness my triumph, but I’d rather not be cliché. Goodbye, you insignificant fleas.” Takayami raised his hand and built up the wave force again.

“You forgot about one little detail, buddy.”

Takayami turned to look at the speaker. “Ah, that’s right. You held back. So, the supposed best has been saved for last, is that it?”

“Let’s not waste anymore words and just end this thing.” Ranma felt the power build up in his every atom of his body as a glow formed between his hands. He was dealing with a being more powerful than anyone he had ever faced, save perhaps Saffron. There could be no holding back this time, for the power the owner of the museum wielded could tear apart and recreate the fabric of realit—

Ranma, impatient with the author’s long, drawn out imagery, released his blast at his foe.

Power enough to destroy Saffron twice over was hurled in a two foot diameter beam of energy that flew from Ranma’s hands and struck his opponent dead center. For a moment, all was lost as the brilliant beam of coruscating light blinded everyone for several seconds. Slowly, as vision returned, a Ranma, completely drained of his energy, was able to bear witness to the results of his handiwork.

A hair had fallen out of place on Takayami’s scalp.

“Pussy,” the museum owner said flatly.

For this first time in his life, Ranma’s confidence was shattered. He had wielded forces nearly beyond his imagination and all he had done was blast his opponent’s hair out of place. And only one strand at that. He couldn’t even have claimed to have made the guy flinch. There was only one option left to Ranma. An attack he had never dared use before, but then, he had never found himself pressed into so desperate a situation. 

It was time for The Fierce Crouching Tiger Attack.

Ranma leaped to Takayami’s feet bowed before him, pleading in a fashion that would have put even his father to shame. “I’m sorry. I never should have done that to you. I don’t know what I was thinking in trying to fight you. Please, oh please, don’t kill me.”

Everyone, even Kunou, looked in shock at Ranma’s groveling form. Akane was the first to who found the ability to speak. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Ranma turned to Akane. “I’m giving up. Didn’t you see what just happened? I don’t stand a chance.”

“But you can’t just give up,” Ukyou protested.

“Why?”

“Because you can’t,” Kodachi answered before Ukyou could. “You’re supposed to fight to the death rather than give up. That’s one of the things we’ve found so appealing about you; your persistence. Even your enemies respect that.”

“No I don’t,” Kunou said.

“I certainly can’t stand it,” Ryouga confirmed.

“It’s the thing I hate about him most of all,” Mousse grumbled.

“Be silent!” Kodachi shot back to the trio.

Ranma looked up from his crouching position to gaze at Takayami. “In all honesty, about how long would it take for you to kill me?”

“It depends on how long it would take for me to blink.”

“Right,” Ranma said. “Sorry guys, but even I am not willing to get killed in that pointless of a death. I’m giving up right now.”

“Coward!” Mousse spat.

“You can take his place and challenge me,” Takayami offered.

“Oh no. I give up too,” Mousse hastily assured him.

Takayami sighed. “You know, this is somewhat anti-climatic for me. When I first heard that there were ninja girls coming for me, and I recruited the lot of you to help defend this place, I was certain something would go wrong and you might actually defeat me, or at least put me on the verge of it. That is how these things usually go. I can see now that I seriously overestimated your abilities as well as underestimated mine.”

“Wait,” Tai said from her position from the wall. “We didn’t come for you. We came for the urn.”

Takayami shrugged. “Myself. The urn. Where does one end and the other begin? Who knows?”

“What you mean?” Shampoo asked.

“The urn is the true source of my power,” Takayami said idly. “In fact, this body that you see before you is nothing more than an innocent vessel that foolishly tried to unlock the secrets of the urn and ended up discovering more than he bargained for. It was only three days ago that the true Toji Takayami released me from my slumber and allowed me to take over his form.”

“Wow, you did all this in three days? I’m impressed.” B.J. gave off a low whistle.

“Thank you,” Takayami said. It was nice to see his work appreciated. “But in truth, time was of the essence. There is a full lunar eclipse coming tonight, one will give me all the power I need, and I fear this will be my only window of opportunity for the next hundred years.”

“But if you were powerful enough to do all of this, why did you need us to prevent the theft?” Akane asked.

Takayami gave Akane a mirthful grin. “In magically gathering all of the evil enchanted items here, and reconstructing the museum so that the power could be properly collected, my inherent abilities were completely drained. I was essentially helpless. It was only in the last hour or so that my powers returned. Before that, any one of you could have defeated me quite easily. But now, I am invincible. And in the next five minutes, I shall be remaking the world.”

“That’s what you think!” Ranma shot to his feet and dashed towards the urn on the crystal dais. He ran faster than he thought possible, knowing he had to reach it before the demon could react. In less than three heartbeats he was within a fingerlength of the urn. He had it. It was going to be--

The rest of Ranma’s thoughts were cut off by an intense wave of agony.

Takayami laughed as Ranma was hurled back and thrown to the ground at the base of the dais, completely paralyzed from the pain he was in. “You moronic simpleton, did you honestly think for one second that I believed your little surrender? That I would tell you of my weakness while there was the slightest chance you would exploit it? Oh no. I know your kind too well. You screw things up by being insufferably noble to the bitter end. The others were right: you would sooner die than yield. And so you shall, but only after you watch me achieve ultimate power.”

The crystal of the dais itself reached up and wrapped up Ranma’s arms and legs, binding him so powerfully that he couldn’t move a muscle. “The urn is protected by a magical barrier that is impenetrable to any force in existence. Anyone attempting to touch it is dealt only pain, as you found out firsthand. You see, I’ve learned from other’s mistakes. I set you up by faking a weakness that you could not truly exploit. And you fell for it!” the dapper demon sneered. 

“And now that I have all of you trapped, it’s time for the final part of my plan.” He waved his hand, and the field around the urn became visible for a moment, then disappeared completely. “With that final barrier out of the way, the full power of the eclipsed moon will bathe the urn in its shadowy light and unlock the final reservoir of power from me. I’m afraid here is where I break with tradition and actually win this little fight. And now, it’s time for sinister laughter, boys and girls. Muhahaha—“

Ranma’s eyes scanned the room, desperately looking for something, anything, to get him out of his current predicament. Then he saw it. A smile broke across his features as he turned back towards Takayami. “Can, I make one observation here.”

“Go ahead,” Takayami said. 

Ranma took a moment to clear the feeling of residual pain that still ravaged his form, “I got to hand it to you, your plan’s pretty good, with the reconstruction of the museum, the gathering of the evil magical objects, the magic field, and all of that stuff. There’s just one little problem.”

“Which is?”

“Today’s Saturday the twenty-sixth.”

“Which means?” Takayami said, beginning to grow irritated at the distraction.

“The eclipse is on the twenty-seventh.”

Takayami recoiled slightly, then gave a deep, sonorous laugh. “Nice try. Very nice. But you can’t—“

“Oh, you’re right, Ranma. I hadn’t even thought about that,” Akane said from her position, hanging on the wall.

“Don’t be naïve. My whole plan hinges on this. Don’t you’d think I would know when a total eclipse—“

“No,” Kodachi said. “Ranma-sama is correct. One of my science teachers mentioned that we might want to stay up late and watch the eclipse on the twenty-seventh. Not the twenty-sixth.”

“Liar.”

“My sister speaks the truth,” Kunou insisted. “It is on the twenty-seventh.”

“But—“

“No buts, sugar.”

“I couldn’t—“

“Everyone makes mistakes, even demons,” Konatsu said soothingly.

“I DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE!” the demon bellowed at the nine people hanging on the wall. “I’ll prove it to you. I marked the exact date on a calendar, one I kept right in this room just to be sure.” 

Takayami went across the room to where the calendar was hanging on the wall and tore it down. He held it close to his face and examined it carefully. “Ah ha! Here’s your mistake. Today IS Saturday, but it is also the twenty-seventh. Friday was the twenty-sixth. You were simply getting your dates confused. That explains the mix-up. For a second there, I was wor—“

Nine hanging people?

Takayami’s eyes remained fixed on the calendar as his mind raced. Nine people hanging. One person bound to the dais. One person hog-tied. So he had eleven people under his complete control. Which would have been good, except for the fact there had been—

Slowly, Takayami raised his eyes from the calendar and looked towards the dais. 

“Twelve of us, my oh so predictable demon. There were twelve of us,” Mai said as she balanced the urn upon one finger. She unleashed a grin that would have made a Cheshire Cat proud. When she saw that everyone was going to attack at once, Mai decided to hold back. She doubted if her power would make any difference in the fight. If the others succeeded, she would have pretended to have helped out and accepted the accolades. But if they failed, then she could stay in the shadows and wait for an opportunity to strike when the enemy was vulnerable; just like a good ninja would. And boy, had she made the right choice.

“Ninjas ain’t the only ones that can be tricky,” Ranma said as grinned towards Takayami. He had to admit, it was a brilliant plan he had come up with. It had been sort of lucky that, after his failed attempt at grabbing the urn, he had spotted Mai in hiding and came up with a plan to distract Takayami once the demon had dropped the protective field around the urn. The others had been smart enough to play along with the trick as well.

“Actually, I sincerely believed it was the twenty-sixth,” Kunou pointed out.

Takayami began to sweatdrop. Big time. He unleashed the most pleading look he could at Mai, who continued to balance the urn on her digit. “I don’t suppose I could bribe you with the usual things. Money? Power? Handsome men? A Starbuck’s Franchise?”

“No,” Mai said casually.

“How about bigger tits?”

“DIE!” Mai threw the urn to the ground, shattering the ancient relic into a thousand tiny pieces. 

“I hate it when that happens,” the demon sighed.

With his anchor to the mortal world destroyed, the demon inside Takayami began to flow out of its host, appearing to the others as a fine mist that dissipated through the man’s pores. Within moments, the real Toji Takayami was given control over his body once again.

With the demon gone, the walls and dais reverted back to normal, releasing all of the prisoners. Everyone began rubbing their arms and legs, trying to get the circulation flowing through their limbs again.

“What’s going on?” Takayami asked as the fog that had clouded his mind for the last three days was lifted at last. 

Ranma decided to break things gently to the man. “You were possessed by a demon that wanted to rule the world. He warped your museum into a reflection of his own perverse desires and replaced most of your exhibits with evil cursed objects. Oh yeah, he ruined your parking lots too.”

Yep. Nice and gentle.

Takayami looked at Ranma in shock. Once his mind processed the information, he calmed visibly. “I was planning to get the place remodeled, the exhibits were pretty standard and boring, and I did need a vacation. I guess I came out ahead when you stop and think about it. Too bad about the parking through. I suppose I should rename this, ‘The Nerima Cursed Museum of History’, now.”

“Works for me,” Ranma said as he found himself surrounded by several girls (and one angry Kunou) enthusiastically congratulating him on his heroic struggles and brilliance in dealing with the demon. However, for a change, he just couldn’t seem to enjoy the open adulation the others were demonstrating for him. There was something nagging at him. Actually, it wasn’t exactly nagging him. It was more like something was pulverizing the concrete of his ego with a jackhammer.

“Where’d that ninja chick go? The one with the flat chest?”

“I think she and her comrades scooped up the remains of the urn in a dustpan and left while you were explaining things to the owner of the museum. Since the urn was destroyed, I didn’t see any reason to stop them,” Konatsu said.

Ranma snapped his fingers. “Shoot. I was going to take her out on a date to show her I ain’t cheap.”

Four simultaneous battle auras popped up, combining with a force that nearly rivaled the demon at the apex of his power. 

“Ranma, how dare you try to ask some kunoichi out on a date!”

“Is too, too, bad idea, Airen.”

“I don’t think I can let this one slide, Ranchan.”

“I’m afraid I’m forced to agree with these plebeians, Ranma-sama. You must be taught to keep that eye of yours from roving.”

A cold sweat broke out on Ranma’s brow. “Now hold on a minute, guys. You don’t have to feel threatened. I ain’t interested in her that way. She’s more cocky than Shampoo, more tricky than Kodachi, less feminine than Ukyou, and she makes Akane’s chest look like that Tai girl’s by comparison.”

The girls all turned away from Ranma and looked at one another. Akane said, “I’m not sure if I should feel flattered or insulted by that comparison.”

The other girls all mirrored Akane’s sentiments. They decided to ask for further clarification from Ranma, but when they turned back towards him, they saw that he had managed to slip away in the confusion. 

Outside the museum, three kunoichi smiled at each other in triumph. 

Mai looked down at the dust pan she was holding. “Ha! Not only did we slip away unnoticed, but we recovered the urn as well. Not exactly the way Granduncle probably expected, but technically we have it. We’re going to be genuine ninjas now.” 

All three girls gave a shout of joy. As the initial wave of elation passed, B.J. took note of the burden Tai was carrying. “Sis, exactly why did you bring that guy you hog-tied up along?”

Tai gave her burden, the bound and gagged Ryouga, a sexy look then primped her hair. “I’m going to show the stud some of my more flexible techniques, as well as my ability to dislocate my jaw at will.” She gave a girlish giggle in Ryouga’s direction.

Ryouga gave a muffled protestation. Tai removed the gag and allowed him to speak. “I can’t do that. I’m not ready for this. We don’t even know each other.”

“Silly boy,” Tai cooed soothingly as she ran a finger gently along his jaw. “I’m not looking for some deep relationship. I’m just going to use you for sex.” She replaced the gag in his mouth to muffle his cry of anguish.

Truly, he was cursed, Ryouga thought. A deep depression overwhelmed him. It served him right since he had accepted that wish from a demon. He should never have asked to become bigger. Now all women were going to do was use him as a sexual object. What a horrible fate he had ended up with.

“What about you?” Tai asked. “You’re still in that Amazon disguise.”

“I know,” B.J. complained. “That webbing made me all sticky, and I can’t pull off the disguise. Even my wig is still stuck into place. I don’t even like purple; it clashes with my ninja wear. Still, it could be worse, all things considered.”

*Glomp*

“Oh, Shampoo. I was afraid I ‘d lost you for a moment there. You almost left the museum without me.”

B.J. cringed in horror as she found a male Amazon attached to her body with a vice-like glomp. It took several moments for her to regain control of her voice. “I’m not Shampoo.”

“Of course you are,” Mousse said as he continued glomping her.

“No, really I’m not. Look.” B.J. tried pulling off the wig, but it was firmly attached to her real hair, and with Mousse glomping onto her she couldn’t change her outfit. “Well, listen to the sound of my voice. I don’t sound a thing like her. My Japanese isn’t that annoying pidgen speak either.”

“Changing your voice can’t change the person you are inside. I know you’re my Shampoo. And I know you love me just as much as I love you,” Mousse assured her.

“No, no!” B.J. protested, nearly in tears. “I’m not an Amazon lesbian. I’m really a kunoichi named Bobbie Joe Hashimoto.” She turned to her sisters. “Tell him.”

Mai and Tai looked at each other, then shrugged. 

“Of course you’re Shampoo,” Mai said.

“And I might I add, Mr. Mousse, that you are all she talks about,” Tai added.

“Never seen a more perfect couple,” Mai said. 

“Oh yes. True love if ever I saw it,” Tai agreed.

“WAHHH!” B.J. couldn’t take it anymore as she ran off, bawling her eyes out with Mousse still firmly attached to her.

Mai and Tai watched their sister shrink into the distance, satisfied looks on both their faces.

“It’s good to see her dating again,” Mai said approvingly.

“Yes. A blind obsessive is just what she needs to add some joy and stability to her life.” Tai agreed. “Too bad about you not finding a guy to go out with, though.”

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say that.” Mai gave Tai a devious grin; the one that her sisters had termed ‘The Smile’. 

Tai began to shift uneasily. ‘The Smile’ was rarely unleashed, but when it was, trouble usually followed.

Four voices, angrily crying out, “RANMA!” in concert, shattered the silence. Tai looked fearfully at the museum, wondering what new hellish monster had been unleashed within its halls. Mai, on the other hand, just continued using ‘The Smile’. Oh yes, the groundwork had been laid and the bait set out. She hadn’t been exactly untrue with Ranma. She personally didn’t think he was much to look at, and he certainly wasn’t what she would consider charming. (Especially with what Ukyou had told her when Mai was impersonating Konatsu. Though considering how twisted the chef was, Mai took it all with a grain of salt.) but there was some imperceptible quality about him that called out to her (admittedly hard to catch) interest. However, Mai was going to need time to think things through and learn what the real Ranma Saotome was like before she decided if he was going to be worth the hassle of pursuing or not.

Besides, Ranma had to pay for those derisive comments he had made about her chest and femininity. All that was left to decide was in what form the currency would take. If Mai decided she didn’t like him, then it would be in huge amounts of excessive pain and violence. 

And if Mai decided she did like him, well, heh, heh, she’d find ways to extract the toll from his body. 

Either way, Mai Hashimoto would come out a winner.

As Ranma Saotome ran for his life through the halls of The Nerima Cursed Museum of History, chased by four angry women wielding insanely powerful cursed instruments of violence, he felt an all-too familiar sensation creep up his spine and settle in for the duration; a sensation that had absolutely nothing to do with the four women currently pursuing him. 

“I can’t believe I just picked up another one!” Ranma railed at the Fates above. “It ain’t fair, I’m telling you! It just ain’t fair! And it’s not my fault, either!” 

As Ranma continued running through the halls, resisting the overwhelming urge to cry, he came to the conclusion that there was at least one constant in the universe.

Some days it just didn’t pay to get out of bed.

Epilogue

“What do you mean we don’t graduate?”

“Yeah. You said if we recovered the Urn of CaoPatty, we’d graduate.”

“And here it is. In a lot more pieces than it started out as, sure, but it’s there.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Takeo said in his most authoritative voice as he sat behind his desk and looked at the trio standing before him. They were in his study, where he had decided to break the news to them. “Bringing back a destroyed object does not count as a success. It’s like bringing back a dead defector you were supposed to rescue. Sure, you got him out of enemy hands, but he doesn’t really do you any good, now does he? You needed to bring that urn back intact.”

“But if we hadn’t destroyed it, a demon would have taken over the world. We couldn’t let that happen. We wouldn’t have graduated under those circumstances either,” Mai pointed out.

“Which is why I’m not failing you outright,” Takao reluctantly admitted. Fine, they had saved the world and he probably did owe them a debt of gratitude, but he was damned if he would let them graduate if there was even the slightest technicality he could catch them on.

“So what do we do now?” B.J. asked.

Damn. Takao had been hoping they would leave him a little more time. Although once he thought about it, perhaps it was best to get this out of the way. “You’ll get a second chance at graduating.” That set of words practically had to be ripped out of his mouth. 

“We do?” Tai asked.

“Yes. I have another mission for you.” A smile blossomed under Takeo’s mask. Here was the best solution he could come up with. A very good one. “You see, several centuries ago, our clan attempted to steal two magical items from China. We successfully retrieved only one and quickly lost it once the members of our clan returned to Japan. Recently, it has come to my attention that the original owners of the items have managed to recover the one we had originally stolen and have the set matched once again. Your mission is to go to China and recover these two magical items for me. Do it, and you will graduate. But you have to bring them back intact.”

“Oh, is that all?” Mai said idly. “I was afraid it’d be something hard.”

‘This is great!” B.J. exclaimed. “I can pick up on what the current Chinese fashions are.”

Tai was looking in a mirror and applying some make-up as she asked, “So what exactly are these magic items we’re supposed to recover?”

“A magic ladle and pot. Their names are Chiisuiton and Kaisufuu, to be specific,” Takao explained. “They are currently in the possession of a group calling itself the Musk Dynasty. You are to infiltrate their fortress, retrieve the items, and return them to me.”

“Yeah, yeah. No problem,” B.J. said nonchalantly. “Just get our diplomas ready, because the next time you see these Three Sexy Ninja Girls, we’ll be drinking tea from that pot you’re so hot to get your hands on.” All three pumped their fists in the air and gave a battle cry.

Takeo could barely keep from laughing. The Musk Dynasty were among the most dangerous beings in the world, their fortress was a giant death trap, and they would guard those two magical items with their lives. The only thing Takao would be making ready for his grandnieces was their funeral arrangements.

Mai took command of the trio. “Three Sexy Ninja Girls, salute your sensei!” All three saluted Takeo.

“DON’T SALUTE, YOU IDIOTS! BOW! BOW!” 

With their hands still raised to their foreheads, all three girls blindly bowed as one. Simultaneously, all three slammed their foreheads into the edge of the desk, knocking two of them out instantly. 

Only Tai was still awake, though barely. She managed to get out, “What a sneaky trap, extending the edge of your desk like that in order to knock people out when they bow,” before slumping to the ground and joining her sisters in unconsciousness.

Takao looked at their unconscious forms. After a moment of indecision, he began crying and proceeded to slam his own head into the desk until he joined them in unconsciousness as well.

Sometimes, it’s never the end.  
^_^

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Speical thanks again to:  
Miashara  
Jason Liao  
Ryan Anderson  
Jim Bader  
Bloodblade  
L. Ang  
Christopher Horton

And Gary Kleppe, who is responsible for every use of the word ‘ninjettes’ in this fic.

C.H.U.D was actually a Grade-B horror movie made in the mid-eighties in which the above basically happened (but it makes for such great fodder. ^_^).


End file.
